TECH CEO’S PENIS SIZE DIRECTLY CORRELATED TO MARKET CAP, STUDY FINDS
In a groundbreaking revelation that has Silicon Valley measuring more than just quarterly returns, a new book confirms what we’ve all suspected: tech billionaires’ success is directly proportional to how much of an a$$hole they can be while still getting invited to Davos.
MOVE OVER, JESUS: SILICON VALLEY HAS NEW MESSIAHS
Stephen Witt’s new book “The Thinking Machine” joins the sacred texts of Silicon Valley’s prosperity gospel, where billionaires aren’t just lucky gamblers who won capitalism but literal demigods walking among us. The book chronicles how Jensen Huang transformed Nvidia from “that company that makes those thingies for Fortnite” to “the company without which your robot girlfriend can’t properly simulate human emotion.”
ANGER MANAGEMENT NOT REQUIRED FOR BILLIONAIRES
According to Witt, Huang is occasionally “energized by anger,” which is corporate-speak for “throws tantrums that would get normal people fired, medicated, or both.” This joins the impressive list of personality disorders we now celebrate as “visionary leadership traits” alongside Musk’s Twitter addiction, Bezos’s laugh that sounds like a villain who just trapped Batman, and whatever the f@#k is happening with Zuckerberg’s haircut.
THIRD MOST VALUABLE COMPANY STILL TRYING HARDER
Despite reaching a market cap that exceeds the GDP of 147 countries, Nvidia executives reportedly still wake up in cold sweats screaming, “But we’re not Apple or Microsoft!” Dr. Compensation Package, a leading expert in billionaire psychology, explains: “Third place is just first loser of the losers. It’s like being the world’s tallest midget.”
HAGIOGRAPHY INDUSTRY BOOMS AMID RECESSION FEARS
With recession looming, one industry remains bulletproof: writing worshipful biographies of tech CEOs. “These books practically write themselves,” admits professional tech-bro flatterer Dr. Obvious Cashgrab. “Step one: Find successful tech dude. Step two: Attribute success to genius rather than privilege, luck, and exploiting workers. Step three: Profit!”
WHIGGISH INTERPRETATION LEAVES READERS WONDERING WHAT THE F@#K WHIGGISH MEANS
The book reportedly provides a “Whiggish interpretation” of Huang’s life, causing 97.8% of readers to nod knowingly while secretly Googling “Whiggish meaning” under the table. “It’s like calling someone’s outfit ‘very sartorial,'” explains literature professor Reada Dickens. “Nobody knows what it means, but it sounds smart as sh!t at dinner parties.”
COMPANY VALUATION BASED ON ABILITY TO MAKE COMPUTERS THINK SEXY THOUGHTS
Nvidia skyrocketed to success by creating chips that excel at both rendering realistic blood spatter in Call of Duty AND training AI models to write your Tinder bio. “It’s the versatility that’s impressive,” notes tech analyst Warren Buffering. “One day you’re helping teenagers virtually murder each other, the next you’re enabling the surveillance state. That’s called synergy.”
In related news, Jensen Huang’s signature leather jacket has filed for independent personhood status with the SEC, claiming it deserves at least 30% of Nvidia’s market cap for its contributions to the company’s brand identity.
