TECH BROS LEGALLY ALLOWED TO STEAL BOOKS, JUDGE RULES WORDS “JUST VIBES ANYWAY”
In a landmark decision that has authors worldwide contemplating careers in bank robbery, a federal judge has declared that stealing intellectual property is completely fine as long as you’re a tech company with a fancy AI.
JUDGE APPARENTLY NEVER HEARD OF “ASKING PERMISSION”
San Francisco judge Ima Techfan ruled today that Anthropic’s practice of feeding entire books into its “Claude” AI system without authors’ permission is “fair use,” a legal term that apparently now means “whatever the f@#k tech companies want to do.”
“It’s not stealing if you’re disrupting an industry,” explained Judge Techfan while wearing a “Move Fast and Break Copyright” t-shirt under his robes. “Besides, books are just, like, words arranged in a certain order. How unique can that really be?”
ANTHROPIC CELEBRATES BY DOWNLOADING MORE SH!T THEY DON’T OWN
Anthropic executives popped champagne upon hearing the news, immediately sending their interns to illegally download the entire Library of Congress.
“This is a victory for innovation,” declared CEO Chip Theftington. “Now we can train our AI on literally anything without compensating creators. What a time to be alive!”
The ruling did find one minor infringement: Anthropic’s storage of pirated books in their central library. The penalty? A strongly worded note saying “please don’t” and a $12 fine, payable whenever convenient.
AUTHORS RESPOND BY DRINKING HEAVILY
Writers Andrea Bartz, Charles Graeber, and Kirk Wallace Johnson, whose books were used without consent, expressed their dismay through interpretive dance and primal screaming.
“I spent six years researching and writing my book, and now it’s just ‘training data’?” said Bartz. “Maybe I should train myself to not pay taxes since law is now just a suggestion.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH
“This ruling establishes that creativity belongs to whoever has the biggest servers,” explained Dr. Kant Evenanymore, professor of Digital Exploitation at Silicon Valley University. “Today’s artists should feel honored their work is being consumed by the almighty algorithm.”
According to a recent survey by the Institute of Making Up Statistics, 87% of AI companies plan to immediately begin stealing everything not nailed down, with 92% planning to steal the nails too.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF EVERYTHING
Under this new precedent, tech companies can now legally:
– Train AI on your private diary
– Use your wedding photos to teach computers about human misery
– Turn your grandmother’s secret recipes into “content” without giving you a dime
“The beautiful thing about ‘fair use’ is that it’s whatever we say it is,” gushed legal expert Professor Sue Mebro. “Next week we’re hoping to classify oxygen as ‘training material’ and charge everyone for breathing.”
At press time, Anthropic announced plans to scan and process the judge’s personal journals, tax returns, and browser history, calling it “just another exciting data partnership.”
