TECH BROS REACH FINAL FORM: ORCHESTRA AUDIENCE ENSLAVED AS HUMAN KAZOOS
In what scientists are calling “the logical conclusion of Silicon Valley’s user exploitation strategy,” MIT recently unveiled a concert that transformed innocent audience members into involuntary musical instruments while smug professors nodded approvingly from the stage.
EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER WHEN YOU’RE FORCED TO PARTICIPATE
Last month’s “FUTURE PHASES” concert, part of the 2025 International Computer Music Conference, wasn’t content to let audience members sit back and enjoy music like normal f@#king humans. Instead, MIT professors Evan Ziporyn and Eran Egozy forced attendees to pull out their smartphones and become part of the orchestra through an app called “Tutti” – Italian for “everyone suffers together.”
“We wanted audience members to feel what it is like to play together in an orchestra,” explained Egozy, conveniently forgetting that most people specifically attend concerts to avoid performing. “This allows an audience to feel a responsibility to their section,” he added, because apparently paying $75 for a ticket wasn’t responsibility enough.
FINALLY, A WAY TO MAKE CLASSICAL MUSIC EVEN MORE PRETENTIOUS
The concert took place in MIT’s new Thomas Tull Concert Hall, a $97 million facility specifically designed so there’s literally nowhere to hide from the piercing judgment of musicians. The space features 24 built-in speakers that ensure every single audience member experiences a unique version of sonic torture.
“Chances are that every person might have experienced the sound slightly differently,” Egozy explained, which experts confirm is tech-bro speak for “we couldn’t figure out how to make it work properly.”
PROFESSOR NAMES PIECE AFTER HIS CAR BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES
One featured piece, titled “EV6,” was named after Ziporyn’s electric vehicle, because nothing says “artistic integrity” like naming your composition after your f@#king Kia.
“It’s got wheels and an engine, and it gets me from one place to another,” Ziporyn explained, accidentally describing every car ever made. “It seemed like a good metaphor for this piece,” he added, in what witnesses described as “the most tortured analogy since that time Elon Musk compared Twitter to a hemophiliac.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHATEVER THE HELL THIS WAS
Dr. Clarissa Notimpressed, Professor of Audience Psychology at Boundaries University, offered her assessment: “Historically, audiences attended performances to experience art created by talented individuals. This new paradigm where everyone is forced to participate represents what we in academic circles call ‘a complete sh!tshow.'”
According to Professor Iwanna Besitting of the National Institute for Just Letting People Enjoy Things, “Approximately 94% of audience members were thinking ‘please god just let me sit here’ while fumbling with their phones.”
ADDITIONAL DEMONSTRATIONS SHOWCASED WAYS TO NEVER LEAVE STUDENTS ALONE
After subjecting the audience to participation in their musical experiment, MIT doubled down by forcing guests to endure six technology demonstrations, including one that “turns any surface into a drum machine,” finally answering the question absolutely nobody was asking.
Another system apparently “analyzes piano playing data across campus,” which one student anonymously described as “basically stalking people while they practice Chopin.”
THE FUTURE OF MUSIC IS WHATEVER TECH BROS SAY IT IS
When asked if anyone had considered that maybe, just maybe, people attend concerts to relax and enjoy music created by actual musicians, Egozy responded by staring blankly for seventeen seconds before whispering, “But have you considered the innovation potential?”
At press time, MIT was reportedly developing a new concert experience where audience members’ brainwaves are harvested to generate melodic content, a process they’re calling “extremely consensual” despite the fine print on tickets stating otherwise.
In related news, traditional concert venues report record attendance from people specifically seeking “concerts where I can just sit there and not do a goddamn thing.”
