DEADLY DISRUPTORS: TECH BROS PIVOT FROM RUINING DATING APPS TO DESIGNING AUTONOMOUS MURDER MACHINES
In a shocking display of Silicon Valley’s “fail upwards” mentality, tech entrepreneurs who previously brought you worthless cryptocurrency and apps that deliver lukewarm burritos are now building killing machines for the US military.
ROOF WITH A VIEW… OF YOUR IMPENDING DOOM
At Skydio headquarters on the San Francisco peninsula, autonomous drones that look suspiciously like spacecraft from a certain George Lucas franchise zip around the company roof like caffeinated hummingbirds with death wishes. These $2.5 billion flying murder rectangles take off and land from docking stations that open and close like the world’s most expensive automated toilet seats.
“We’re basically reinventing warfare,” explained Chad Warcrimes, Skydio’s 28-year-old founder who previously developed an app that rates dog haircuts. “Our drones use the same AI that recommends videos you hate on social media, except now it recommends which targets to eliminate.”
PIVOTING FROM “LIKES” TO “YIKES”
After raising a f@#king ridiculous $740 million in venture capital, Skydio abandoned the consumer market in 2020, presumably because teaching Karen from Malibu how to take aerial selfies wasn’t fulfilling enough. The company now focuses exclusively on military applications and helping police forces find new ways to monitor citizens from above.
Dr. Inevitable Dystopia, professor of Techno-ethical Nightmares at Whatever University, told us, “It’s the natural progression. First, these geniuses disrupted the taxi industry, then food delivery, and now they’re disrupting people’s actual molecular structure by blowing them to bits.”
MISSION STATEMENT: MOVE FAST AND BREAK PEOPLE
The marriage between Silicon Valley’s “move fast and break things” mentality and the military-industrial complex has created what experts call a “holy sh!t storm” of ethical concerns. Traditional defense contractors typically take decades and billions of dollars to develop weapons systems that barely work. Tech startups promise to deliver the same questionable results in half the time for twice the price.
“Our competitive advantage is we don’t know what the f@#k we’re doing,” explained Venture Capitalist Braxton Warbucks, who has invested $200 million in companies with “death” or “shadow” in their names. “Traditional defense contractors are constrained by boring things like ‘experience’ and ‘safety protocols.’ We’re just throwing algorithms at problems until something explodes.”
TERMS OF SERVICE AGREEMENT: YOUR DEATH IS NON-REFUNDABLE
Studies show 97.8% of these new defense tech founders couldn’t find Ukraine on a map but are absolutely certain their autonomous AI-powered death machines will bring about world peace. Meanwhile, 82.3% of their employees believe they’re building technology to “make the world better” while simultaneously developing systems that can identify human targets from 30,000 feet.
“It’s all about disruption,” said Miles Moneyburner, founder of DeathTech Ventures. “Traditional warfare is so inefficient, with all that human judgment and ethical consideration slowing everything down. Our systems remove the human element entirely, which is super convenient for everyone except the humans on the receiving end.”
As Silicon Valley continues its relentless march from designing addictive social media platforms to designing addictive ways to eliminate enemies of the state, we can all sleep soundly knowing that the same visionaries who brought us exploding phones and privacy violations are now in charge of autonomous killing machines. What could possibly go wrong?
