TECH BROS DECLARE WAR ON FUNCTIONING SOCIETY, PROMISE TO REPLACE GOVERNMENT WITH A MEME COIN
Silicon Valley’s brightest minds have once again demonstrated their unparalleled ability to f@#k up something that wasn’t broken, as Elon Musk’s “Doge” experiment collapses faster than cryptocurrency after one of his tweets.
EFFICIENCY EXPERTS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER RUNNING A COUNTRY IS HARDER THAN CODING AN APP
In what experts are calling “the least surprising development since finding out Mark Zuckerberg sleeps standing up in a charging pod,” tech billionaires have discovered that dismantling democratic institutions is easier said than done. Doge’s website boldly claims $190 billion in savings, a figure apparently calculated using the same math that determines Tesla’s self-driving cars are “totally safe, guys, for real this time.”
“The problem is that these tech bros think countries are just apps with nukes,” explains Dr. Obvious Conclusion, professor of Tech-Bro Psychology at Reality Check University. “They believe anything can be fixed with three all-night coding sessions and unlimited Red Bull.”
USAID REPLACED WITH VENMO REQUEST SAYING “FOR: FREEDOM”
Sources confirm that after dissolving USAID, the federal agency responsible for distributing foreign assistance, Doge implemented its revolutionary replacement: a group text where developing nations can drop their Cash App handles.
“We’ve streamlined the entire process of international aid,” claimed Doge spokesperson Chad Disruption. “Now instead of complex diplomatic relations and strategic humanitarian assistance, countries just need to convince Elon their problems are ‘based’ enough to receive funding.”
SURVEY REVEALS 94% OF SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES BELIEVE DEMOCRACY WOULD WORK BETTER WITH A “SKIP INTRO” BUTTON
A recent internal study discovered that an overwhelming majority of tech executives believe societal institutions should function like their favorite apps: frictionless, personalized, and capable of being completely redesigned every six months without warning.
“These people think the Constitution is just like user terms and conditions that nobody reads anyway,” says political analyst Sarah Sensible. “They genuinely cannot comprehend why you can’t just push an update to democracy in the middle of the night.”
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES NOW REQUIRED TO PIVOT THEIR MISSION STATEMENTS EVERY 18 MONTHS
Under the brief Doge regime, federal agencies were reportedly instructed to “fail fast” and “move quickly and break things,” with the Department of Justice briefly rebranding as “Law Stuff: The Experience.”
“We had meetings where they kept asking what our ‘unique value proposition’ was,” confessed one anonymous State Department official. “When I explained that we prevent global chaos through diplomatic relations, they asked if we could ‘gamify’ that somehow.”
IN CONCLUSION: DEMOCRACY LACKS SUFFICIENT ENGAGEMENT METRICS
As Musk retreats from his governmental speedrun, Silicon Valley continues its quest to replace every human institution with something that has a sleeker UI but fundamentally doesn’t work as well. Experts predict that by 2030, voting will be replaced by how many fire emojis you add to policy proposals, and the Supreme Court will just be a Discord server where the most upvoted interpretation becomes law.
