# GOVERNMENT INSTALLS TECH BRO VAMPIRE TO SUCK CREATIVE INDUSTRY’S BLOOD DRY
## Artists Told to “Get F@#ked” as Copyright Rules Become Toilet Paper for AI Companies
In what experts are calling “the most blatant conflict of interest since Satan was appointed head of Heaven’s Ethics Committee,” the UK government has tapped tech venture capitalist Matt Clifford to oversee AI policy while he simultaneously invests in the very companies set to profit from gutting copyright protections.
## “It’s Not Stealing If We Call It ‘Data Nutrition'”
The controversial plan will allow AI firms to consume creative works without permission or payment, a move the government describes as “innovation” but which acclaimed director Lady Beeban Kidron calls “sh!tting directly into the mouths of artists and calling it chocolate pudding.”
“We’ve carefully consulted with everyone who stands to make billions from this policy,” explained Culture Secretary Penelope Worthington-Smythe. “The creative industry had their chance to speak, but unfortunately they couldn’t afford the £50,000 donation required for our ‘Listening Tour.'”
## Experts with Suspiciously Specific Job Titles Weigh In
“This is simply the natural evolution of capitalism,” explained Dr. Richard Stealer, Head of Creative Exploitation at the Institute for Pretending to Care About Artists. “First we made artists compete with each other, then we made them compete with unpaid interns, and now we’re making them compete with machines that can instantly regurgitate their entire life’s work. It’s beautiful, really.”
Clifford, whose tech investment portfolio reportedly “throbs with excitement” at the mere mention of unregulated AI development, has assured the public he can remain impartial despite standing to gain approximately “all the money in the world” from his decision-making.
## Government Announces New “F@#k You, Pay Me (But Not Them)” Initiative
The government defended its position, with one unnamed official stating, “Look, it’s simple economics. If we let tech companies harvest creative work without payment, they’ll create unimaginable wealth for approximately seven people, who might, if we’re really nice to them, pay some taxes someday, probably.”
“Plus,” the official continued while adjusting his solid gold necktie, “artists can just get real jobs like normal people. When was the last time anyone needed a ‘Bridget Jones’ movie anyway? People want what AI gives them: more content with less humanity.”
When reached for comment about her opposition to the plan, Lady Kidron responded, “They’ve put the goddamn fox in charge of the henhouse, except this fox owns shares in companies that make automatic hen-processing machines and sells fox-friendly henhouse blueprints.”
Industry analyst Tabitha Truthsayer predicts the new rules will lead to “a golden age of creativity, if by ‘creativity’ you mean ‘soulless algorithmic approximations of art created by machines owned by billionaires who wouldn’t recognize cultural value if it tattooed itself across their foreheads.'”
