TECH BRO MESSIAH DECLARES “JOBS ARE JUST, LIKE, SOOO 2023” WHILE SPEAKING TO ROOM FULL OF BANKERS WHO DEFINITELY WON’T REPLACE HIM WITH SOMETHING CHEAPER
In what observers are calling “the most tone-deaf performance since Gal Gadot’s ‘Imagine’ video,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman informed a gathering of Federal Reserve officials that their jobs, your job, and basically everyone’s f@#king job will soon be as obsolete as his ability to read a room.
AREA MAN WHO CREATED JOB-KILLING TECHNOLOGY SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TECHNOLOGY KILLS JOBS
During his latest pilgrimage to Washington, where he apparently spends more time than in his actual office, Altman delivered the news with all the sensitivity of a guillotine operator asking if you’d like a neck massage. The tech wunderkind painted a vision of the future where ChatGPT makes presidential decisions, hostile nations weaponize AI, and humans mainly exist to charge the devices that replaced them.
“Entire job categories will simply vanish,” Altman told the crowd of bankers who were frantically texting their assistants to research which Silicon Valley startup might replace Altman himself. “It’s like, super exciting if you think about it from my net worth’s perspective.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE JOBPOCALYPSE
Dr. Unemployment Rising, Professor of Economic Panic at the University of Well Actually, explained the implications: “What Altman is describing is basically the Thanos snap, but for your LinkedIn profile. About 87.3% of workers will discover they’ve been training their digital replacements every time they use CAPTCHA.”
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Things We Just Made Up, approximately 103% of jobs will be eliminated by 2026, with the remaining negative 3% consisting entirely of “AI ethicists” who graduated from Stanford and are friends with Altman.
CHATGPT ALREADY BETTER AT DIAGNOSING PATIENTS, BREAKING BAD NEWS, AND LOOKING SOULFULLY INTO YOUR EYES
Altman also claimed AI can already diagnose illnesses better than human doctors, though he failed to mention that ChatGPT’s bedside manner consists mainly of suggesting patients have network connectivity problems.
“Our models can diagnose patients with unprecedented accuracy,” Altman boasted, “and unlike human doctors, they don’t need eight years of medical school or the ability to feel empathy for human suffering.”
LOCAL DOCTORS RESPOND WITH COLLECTED MIDDLE FINGERS
Dr. Still Paying Student Loans from the Medical Center of Actual Human Expertise responded: “Sure, and I bet it gives great diagnoses like ‘I’m sorry, but I’m just a language model and cannot provide medical advice’ right before telling you that you definitely have cancer based on your hangnail.”
THE POSITION OF PRESIDENT NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FROM CALCULATORS
Perhaps most alarmingly, Altman suggested future presidents might turn to ChatGPT for policy recommendations, effectively outsourcing democracy to the same technology that occasionally hallucinates that Abraham Lincoln invented the helicopter.
When asked if having a digital assistant make governmental decisions might be problematic, Altman reportedly shrugged and said, “It’s probably better than letting voters do it.”
COMPANY THAT KEEPS ACCIDENTALLY CREATING DIGITAL HELLSCAPE ASSURES US THEY’RE THE ONES TO FIX IT
Despite painting a future where his company’s technology destroys jobs, weaponizes information, and potentially destabilizes governments, Altman positioned OpenAI as humanity’s essential guide through this technological minefield that they themselves planted, fertilized, and are actively expanding.
“Yes, we’re creating unprecedented risks to civilization,” Altman seemed to imply, “but have you considered that we’ll make an absolute sh!t-ton of money doing it?”
At press time, Altman was spotted teaching Federal Reserve officials how to say “Would you like fries with that?” just to be safe.
