TECH BILLIONAIRES SPEND $155 BILLION ON AI WHILE STILL UNABLE TO MAKE PRINTER THAT F@#KING WORKS
Silicon Valley’s brightest minds and fattest wallets have collectively dumped $155 billion into artificial intelligence this year, vastly outspending what the entire US government allocated for education, social services, and teaching people how to not be complete idiots.
NERDS COMPETE IN “WHO CAN BURN MONEY FASTEST” CHAMPIONSHIP
In what experts are calling “the most expensive d!ck-measuring contest in human history,” tech giants Microsoft, Alphabet, Amazon, Apple, and Meta have been furiously outspending each other on AI technology that primarily serves to make chatbots slightly better at writing your nephew’s book report.
“It’s truly inspiring to see these visionaries invest more in teaching computers to write mediocre poetry than our nation invests in teaching actual human children basic math,” said Dr. Priorities R. Screwed, leading economist at the Institute for Obvious Problems.
THE NUMBERS ARE ABSOLUTELY STUPID
Industry analysts confirm that Big Tech is just getting started, with projections suggesting AI spending will soon reach “hundreds of billions” annually, approximately equivalent to the GDP of New Zealand, but with significantly fewer sheep and more PowerPoint presentations about “disruption.”
“These companies are spending roughly $17.7 million per HOUR on AI,” explained financial expert Professor Cash McBurnerton. “That’s approximately enough money to fix Flint’s water crisis every three days, but instead we’re teaching algorithms to generate slightly more realistic fake humans in stock photos.”
ACTUAL HUMANS RESPOND WITH CONFUSION
A survey found that 87% of Americans couldn’t explain what the f@#k all this AI money is actually accomplishing, while 92% reported they would prefer “a website that doesn’t crash every time I try to pay my electric bill.”
“I just want my phone to stop autocorrecting ‘home’ to ‘gome’ and my laptop to last more than 18 months before becoming obsolete garbage,” said regular person Jamie Nothingberg, 34. “Is that where the $155 billion is going? Because it doesn’t seem like it.”
SILICON VALLEY EXPLAINS ITSELF, SORT OF
When reached for comment, industry spokesperson Chip Overvalued defended the astronomical spending: “Look, we’ve already solved trivial problems like climate change, housing affordability, and world hunger. The only frontier left is teaching computers to argue with each other while we watch and take credit.”
According to internal documents leaked to AI Antics, at least $42 billion has been spent specifically on developing algorithms that can tell you whether a hotdog is a sandwich with 99.97% accuracy.
WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOUR DIGITAL OVERLORDS
With hundreds of billions more expected to pour into AI research next year, tech companies have ambitious plans, including teaching computers to feel genuine human emotions like “disappointment in humanity” and “existential dread.”
Meanwhile, the US education system continues to operate on what one teacher described as “whatever we can find in the couch cushions and maybe some loose paper clips.”
At press time, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella was reportedly considering buying the entire concept of intelligence for $780 billion, “just to be safe.”
