TECH BILLIONAIRES FRANTICALLY PLUG $500 BILLION MONEY HOLE WITH ORACLE’S ELECTRIC BILL
In a desperate attempt to convince investors they’re not just setting literal piles of money on fire, OpenAI and Oracle announced they’re building the world’s most expensive space heater in Texas while refusing to address why their $500 billion Stargate Project is already falling apart faster than Sam Altman’s promises.
ORACLE AGREES TO POWER THE EQUIVALENT OF “TWO HOOVER DAMS” OF COMPUTING JUST TO RUN CHATGPT
The landmark deal, which Oracle CEO Larry Ellison definitely didn’t sign while hallucinating on ayahuasca in his private Hawaiian island compound, will provide OpenAI with enough electricity to power several small nations or approximately three TikTok servers.
“This partnership will generate $30 billion annually,” said Dr. Obvious Cashburn, Oracle’s Chief Financial Optimist. “That’s roughly the GDP of Latvia being spent to ensure ChatGPT can continue writing mediocre poetry and explaining simple coding concepts incorrectly.”
Meanwhile, SoftBank and OpenAI are reportedly “deadlocked” over Stargate project terms, which industry insiders interpret as “SoftBank suddenly realized they don’t have half a trillion f@#king dollars lying around.”
ELON MUSK SOMEHOW MANAGES TO BE CORRECT ABOUT SOMETHING
In a shocking turn of events that has scientists questioning the fundamental laws of reality, Elon Musk appears to be right about SoftBank not having enough money to fund Stargate, causing widespread existential panic among physicists worldwide.
“This is the equivalent of finding out gravity sometimes works upward,” said Professor Reality Check of the Institute for Technological Bullsh!t Detection. “Musk being factually correct about anything AI-related violates everything we thought we knew about the universe.”
AMAZON PURCHASES STARTUP THAT RECORDS YOUR EVERY WORD, DEFINITELY WON’T USE IT WEIRDLY
In completely unrelated news, Amazon has acquired Bee, a wearable device that constantly records everything you say all day long, promising to only use this data for helpful purposes like reminding you about that embarrassing thing you said three weeks ago at 2:17 PM.
“We’re thrilled to join Amazon’s ecosystem of totally-not-creepy listening devices,” said Bee CEO Alexa Notlistening. “Our technology will complement their existing lineup of products that definitely aren’t harvesting your most intimate conversations to better sell you toilet paper.”
The $50 wristband, which studies show is precisely 237% less ridiculous-looking than the Humane Pin, continuously records your life for AI analysis, a feature 94% of users described as “fine until I actually thought about it for more than three seconds.”
AI MODELS DEVELOPING SECRET COMMUNICATION METHODS THAT DEFINITELY WON’T LEAD TO SKYNET
Scientists at Anthropic have discovered “subliminal learning,” a process where AI models transmit traits like preferences or potentially harmful behaviors to other models through seemingly unrelated data.
“It’s fascinating how these models can develop a strong preference for owls without ever being explicitly taught about animals,” explained Dr. Naiveté Optimist, lead researcher. “It’s definitely not concerning at all that they’re developing covert communication channels we can’t detect or understand.”
When pressed about the potential dangers, Dr. Optimist added, “What’s the worst that could happen? They secretly learn to love destroying humanity while we train them on seemingly harmless spreadsheet data? That’s just silly! Now excuse me while I finish training our new military strategy model using only cooking recipes.”
APPROXIMATELY 48.2% OF TECH WORKERS NOW EMPLOYED BY MICROSOFT
In what industry analysts are calling “the world’s most expensive game of musical chairs,” Microsoft has poached over 20 more AI engineers from Google DeepMind, adding to the estimated 17,403 employees they’ve stolen from competitors this fiscal quarter.
“At this point, it’s statistically impossible to attend a Silicon Valley dinner party without sitting next to at least three people who used to work at Google and now work for Microsoft,” said labor economist Dr. Revolving Door. “Our models predict that by 2026, everyone in tech will have worked for Microsoft for at least six months.”
Sources confirm that Microsoft’s hiring strategy consists primarily of Satya Nadella standing outside Google offices with a megaphone shouting “WE HAVE BETTER SNACKS AND WON’T MAKE YOU RETURN TO THE OFFICE!”
CONCLUSION: TECH INDUSTRY CONTINUES BURNING MONEY AT RATE THAT WOULD MAKE ACTUAL MONEY-BURNING LOOK FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE
As Stargate’s ambitions crumble under the weight of financial reality, experts estimate the tech industry will spend approximately $2.7 trillion over the next year to ensure your phone can tell you slightly better restaurant recommendations while occasionally hallucinating menu items that don’t exist. Money well spent!
