TECH BILLIONAIRES DISCOVER FASCISM PAIRS PERFECTLY WITH MACBOOKS, PRONOUNCE IT “DISRUPTIVE”

In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one with two functioning brain cells, Silicon Valley’s wealthiest man-children have officially dropped their progressive disguises faster than a venture capitalist drops ethical standards at a funding round.

BILLIONAIRES REVEAL THEIR TRUE POLITICAL COLORS: MONEY GREEN AND BLOOD RED

Tech oligarchs Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos have officially come out as what experts are calling “fascism-curious,” embracing far-right politics with the enthusiasm of a golden retriever discovering a tennis ball. This stunning revelation has left the 99% of Americans who can’t afford space trips wondering, “Wait, you mean the guys hoarding wealth like dragons weren’t progressives this whole time? Holy sh!t!”

“This isn’t some dramatic political shift,” explained Dr. Obvious Hindsight, professor of Billionaire Psychology at Get F@#ked University. “It’s like when your weird uncle finally admits he believes in lizard people. The signs were always there, we just didn’t want to acknowledge them at Thanksgiving dinner.”

STUDY SHOWS 97% OF TECH MANIFESTOS JUST ‘MEIN KAMPF’ WITH WORDS ‘BLOCKCHAIN’ AND ‘DISRUPTION’ ADDED

Industry analysts point to Marc Andreessen’s self-proclaimed “techno-optimist manifesto” as evidence of the sector’s fascist tendencies. The document, which claims to be politically neutral, reads like Mussolini’s diary after a three-day cocaine bender at Burning Man.

“I’ve analyzed Andreessen’s manifesto extensively,” said Professor Blatant Truth, who holds the distinguished chair in Calling Out Bullsh!t at Reality University. “It’s basically ‘let us rich tech bros do whatever the f@#k we want without regulation’ dressed up in enough Silicon Valley buzzwords to make it sound innovative instead of terrifying.”

The manifesto lovingly paraphrases Filippo Marinetti, co-author of the Fascist Manifesto, which experts note is “about as subtle as naming your pet python ‘Strangler’ and then acting shocked when it tries to eat the neighbor’s cat.”

LIBERTARIANS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THEIR IDEOLOGY LEADS TO FASCISM, CONTINUE SUPPORTING IT ANYWAY

According to a completely made-up study we’re citing anyway, 89% of venture capitalists and tech CEOs secretly masturbate to pictures of unregulated markets while whispering “taxation is theft” into their AI-powered smart pillows.

“Silicon Valley has always had a hard-on for libertarianism,” explained economic historian Emma Reality. “Their ideal world is one where they pay zero taxes, employ zero workers with actual rights, and have zero responsibility to society while amassing wealth that would make ancient pharaohs say ‘dude, maybe tone it down a bit.'”

EMPLOYEES FORCED TO RECKON WITH SUPPORTING COMPANIES WHOSE VALUES INCLUDE “BEING EVIL WHENEVER PROFITABLE”

The rank-and-file tech workers, who still overwhelmingly vote Democratic, are now faced with the ethical dilemma of continuing to cash paychecks from companies whose CEOs are essentially plotting to replace democracy with a techno-feudalist hellscape.

“I’m definitely concerned about my boss’s politics,” said one anonymous Google employee while absently-mindedly ordering a fourth vacation home on his phone. “But what am I supposed to do? Get a job that pays less than my current $350,000 base salary? That’s literal oppression!”

BILLIONAIRES PROMISE TO SAVE HUMANITY BY LEAVING IT BEHIND

In perhaps the most honest approach to problem-solving ever demonstrated by the uber-wealthy, Musk and Bezos have decided the best way to deal with Earth’s problems is to f@#k off to Mars rather than, say, pay their fair share of taxes.

“The planet is dying,” Bezos reportedly told confidants while idling his superyacht’s engines for three days straight. “The only logical solution is for me to build a space colony for the wealthy while the rest of you peasants fight over the last can of beans in the climate apocalypse.”

When reached for comment, Musk responded with a meme of a farting unicorn and the words “funding secured,” which experts interpret as either a profound statement on techno-capitalism or evidence that he was tweeting on ambien again.

In conclusion, analysts predict that by 2026, Silicon Valley’s political evolution will be complete, with tech campuses replacing their kombucha taps with decorative jackboots and mandatory fasces-building team exercises. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue mindlessly scrolling through their apps while the world burns, because at this point, what else is there to do?