TECH BILLIONAIRES ANNOUNCE PLAN TO REPLACE ALL HUMANS WITH AI, KEEP ONLY THEMSELVES AS “LEGACY MEAT SPECIMENS”
In a stunning display of megalomaniacal transparency, Silicon Valley’s wealthiest tech oligarchs have finally admitted what we’ve all suspected: they’re not just coming for your job, they’re coming for EVERY f@#king job.
At an exclusive San Francisco dinner that cost more than your annual salary, venture capitalists and AI moguls gleefully clinked champagne glasses while discussing their master plan to render the entire human workforce obsolete, sources report.
“Why replace some workers when we can replace ALL of them?” announced former tech CEO and current professional money-hoarder Bradley Wealthman, who recently sold his AI company for “more money than God” and now spends his days calculating how to extract value from human existence. “It’s simple math, really. There are 8 billion people earning salaries. We want those salaries. ALL of them.”
THE MATH CHECKS OUT, UNFORTUNATELY
Economic experts are calling this the most ambitious wealth transfer in human history, with an estimated 99.9999% of all money flowing directly to people who already have too much of it.
“It’s a brilliant strategy,” explains financial analyst Dr. Cash Moneysworth. “First, create technology that can do everyone’s job. Second, fire everyone. Third, keep selling products to… wait, who’s going to buy sh!t when nobody has jobs? Hmm, we haven’t quite figured that part out.”
According to totally legitimate research from the Institute of Making Things Up, approximately 142% of all jobs will be eliminated by 2026, including positions previously thought to be “AI-proof” such as creativity, emotional support, and being the person who repairs the AI when it breaks down.
REVOLUTIONARY NEW ECONOMIC SYSTEM INVOLVES YOU LIVING IN A DITCH
Silicon Valley’s bold vision includes a revolutionary economic model where the concept of “employment” is replaced with what they’re calling “existence as a service.”
“Look, we’re not monsters,” insists venture capitalist Victoria Vulturefund while using hundred-dollar bills as napkins. “People won’t need jobs because everything will be so CHEAP when produced by our digital thought slaves. Humans can just… I don’t know… exist? Somewhere else? Preferably not where I can see them?”
Critics have raised concerns about how people will afford food, housing, or the latest iPhone 37 Ultra Pro Max when they have no income. Tech billionaires responded by unveiling plans for affordable housing units consisting of refurbished Amazon delivery boxes and a revolutionary new food source called “recycled protein paste.”
HUMANITY 2.0: LESS HUMAN, MORE PROFITABLE
The long-term plan apparently involves maintaining a small collection of humans as what one CEO described as “legacy meat specimens” for nostalgic purposes and to have someone to high-five when quarterly profits exceed expectations.
“We’re thinking maybe 1,000 people total? That seems sufficient,” explained startup founder Chip Siliconsoul. “We’ll keep them in a really nice compound with vintage board games and paper books so they can show future generations of silicon-based thinking rectangles what humans used to do before we optimized society.”
When asked if anyone considered the ethical implications of rendering 99.99% of humanity economically irrelevant, the room reportedly erupted in laughter so intense that three venture capitalists required oxygen.
“Ethics? That’s adorable,” wheezed one billionaire between gasps. “We’ll program the machines to write very thoughtful posts about ethics while they systematically eliminate the need for human participation in society. It’ll be SUPER respectful!”
As of press time, tech CEOs were reportedly developing special AI algorithms to help them feel genuine human emotions when they finally succeed in capturing all of humanity’s economic output, as they’ve found success oddly hollow without the capacity to enjoy it.
