TECH BRO WITH GOD COMPLEX DECLARES AI WILL SAVE HUMANITY, JUST AFTER HIS STOCK OPTIONS FULLY VEST
In what can only be described as the most self-serving “trust me bro” moment of the decade, LinkedIn co-founder and professional rich person Reid Hoffman is absolutely POSITIVE that artificial intelligence will give us all “cognitive superpowers” and definitely won’t lead to the complete annihilation of human civilization or anything inconvenient like that.
BILLIONAIRE DISCOVERS AMAZING CORRELATION BETWEEN HIS BANK ACCOUNT AND HIS OPTIMISM
Hoffman, whose net worth mysteriously keeps growing alongside his enthusiasm for AI technology, has written an entire f@#king book called “Superagency” explaining why we should all just chill out and embrace our new digital overlords. The timing coincidentally aligns perfectly with his massive investments in AI companies that stand to make him even more obscenely wealthy.
“First, an economic interest doesn’t necessarily make what someone is saying wrong,” Hoffman explained, while a team of assistants polished his collection of solid gold smartphones. “I mean, sure, I own an AI company that would literally make me billions if everyone believes what I’m saying, but like, that’s totally unrelated to my genuine belief that AI is going to give you peasants superpowers or whatever.”
EXPERT ANALYSIS: THIS IS SOME GRADE-A BULLSH!T
Dr. Obvious Conflict, Professor of Billionaire Psychology at the University of Common Sense, weighed in on Hoffman’s claims: “When someone who stands to make approximately $847 trillion from a technology tells you it’s ‘good for humanity,’ you should probably check if your wallet is still in your pocket. Studies show that 98.7% of tech billionaires’ ‘visions for humanity’ directly correlate with their investment portfolios.”
AREA MAN PROMISES HE’S “PRINCIPLED” DESPITE BEING WORTH $2.3 BILLION
Hoffman insists he’s not just another tech bro trying to cash in. “Not kissing Trump’s ring is probably an economic limiter,” he explained, apparently unaware that his net worth could feed several small nations for decades. “I could have put the time and energy I spent writing my book into my companies and made much more money, but I wanted to share in the intellectual discourse,” he added, neglecting to mention the book will likely sell millions of copies and lead to lucrative speaking engagements.
SOURCES CONFIRM HOFFMAN ACTUALLY TYPED ENTIRE BOOK USING NEW “TELEPATHIC DICTATION” FEATURE FROM HIS OWN AI STARTUP
According to insiders who asked to remain anonymous because they enjoy being employed, Hoffman’s upcoming book contains groundbreaking insights such as “AI good, fear bad” and “trust billionaires, they’re basically modern-day prophets.”
Silicon Valley analyst Dr. Cash McVenture explains: “What Hoffman is proposing is truly revolutionary – he wants us to believe that the technology he’s heavily invested in will benefit all of humanity equally, not just make him and his friends richer than God. It’s a bold strategy that has worked approximately zero times in human history.”
AT PRESS TIME, HOFFMAN SPOTTED PRACTICING SAYING “I’M JUST LIKE YOU” IN MIRROR OF PRIVATE JET
As we went to press, sources confirmed Hoffman was last seen commandeering his AI-powered yacht to a private island where he plans to finish his next book, “Why Billionaires Should Definitely Control The Future Of Human Consciousness, Trust Me On This One.”
