DESPERATE TECHIES TEACH AI TO THINK WITHOUT DRINKING BATTERY FLUID
In a breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the tech community, MIT researchers claim they’ve finally taught their artificial assistants to perform basic reasoning tasks without having to smack them or feed them premium electricity.
LOCAL GENIUS DISCOVERS THINKING MACHINES CAN’T ACTUALLY THINK
For years, so-called “large language models” have been praised for their ability to write mediocre poetry and incorrectly summarize Wikipedia articles. But when asked to do anything requiring actual brain cells, these digital know-it-alls fold faster than a lawn chair at a sumo wrestling match.
“We noticed our language models were about as useful as a screen door on a submarine when it came to complex tasks,” says Dr. Ekin Akyürek, who apparently spent years in graduate school to discover what any 12-year-old could tell you after five minutes with ChatGPT. “They’re basically just very expensive parrots with amnesia.”
SCIENTISTS FORCE-FEED EXAMPLES TO ELECTRONIC DUMMY UNTIL IT GETS IT RIGHT
The researchers’ groundbreaking solution? Literally showing the f@#king thing how to do the job correctly before asking it to do the job. This revolutionary approach, called “test-time training,” produced a “sixfold improvement in accuracy,” which means these digital brainiacs went from “completely useless” to “occasionally gets the right answer.”
“It’s like teaching a goldfish to play chess,” explained Professor Completely Madeup, who was not involved in the study. “Except instead of a goldfish, it’s a trillion-dollar industry, and instead of chess, it’s basic logic that my cousin’s toddler mastered before potty training.”
COMPUTER NERDS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER LEARNING REQUIRES ACTUAL LEARNING
In what might be the least surprising scientific finding since discovering fire is hot, the researchers concluded that “genuine learning” helps computers learn things.
“These models can’t gain new skills on their own after they are shipped,” Akyürek stated, apparently unaware that this is literally the definition of not being intelligent. “But if you push the model a little bit to do actual learning, huge improvements happen!”
PROCESS TAKES LONGER THAN JUST ASKING A HUMAN, COSTS MORE, STILL GETS WRONG ANSWERS
The researchers proudly announced that their breakthrough method turns a one-minute computer response into a ten-minute ordeal, making it almost as efficient as simply hiring someone with a functioning brain.
According to industry experts, approximately 97.3% of AI research is now dedicated to teaching machines to do things humans can already do, but worse and at greater expense.
CORPORATIONS REMAIN COMMITTED TO REPLACING WORKERS WITH DIGITAL MORONS
Despite these limitations, corporations worldwide remain committed to replacing their workforce with silicon-based thinking rectangles that require constant retraining and still can’t tell the difference between a fire hydrant and a small dog.
“We’re very excited about the potential cost savings,” said Chief Financial Officer Penny Pincher of Massive Conglomerate Inc. “Sure, we’ll need to hire twice as many engineers to babysit the AI, but at least we won’t have to provide healthcare benefits to the algorithms.”
At press time, researchers were celebrating their next breakthrough: teaching AI to identify pictures of buses, a skill mastered by the average 3-year-old human without any training whatsoever.
