HUMANITY TO PAY “STUPIDITY TAX” FOR INVENTING TECHNOLOGIES THAT MAKE EARTH UNINHABITABLE
In a move that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, a former Paris climate accords envoy has suggested taxing the sh!t out of AI and cryptocurrencies, two technologies whose primary achievements include melting glaciers and making nerds insufferable at dinner parties.
COMPUTERS THAT THINK VS. OCEANS THAT BOIL
Laurence Tubiana, chief executive of the European Climate Foundation and apparently the only person on Earth who remembers we have a climate crisis, has proposed what experts are calling a “duh, obviously” solution to fund climate action: make the energy-guzzling silicon rectangles pay their fair share.
“We’ve created computer systems that require the energy output of small nations just so algorithms can tell you which selfie makes you look thinner,” explained Dr. Obviosa Truth, head of the Department of No-Sh!t Studies at Reality University. “Meanwhile, Florida is becoming an actual underwater theme park, not just the metaphorical one it’s always been.”
BITCOIN MINERS SHOCKED THEY MIGHT HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY
The cryptocurrency community responded with predictable outrage at the suggestion they might need to offset the environmental damage caused by their digital monopoly money.
“This is tyranny!” screamed Chad DollarMoon, a 32-year-old crypto enthusiast who runs seventeen space heaters worth of mining equipment in his studio apartment. “Next thing you know, they’ll want us to pay taxes on regular money too!”
Statistics show that the average crypto transaction consumes roughly the same energy as powering a small village in Bangladesh for six years, or approximately 742% more electricity than is required to convince someone at a bar that crypto is the future.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OFFERS TO SOLVE CLIMATE CRISIS, JUST NEEDS ACCESS TO NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES FIRST
The AI industry has taken a different approach, suggesting that rather than being taxed, they should be given more power to solve the climate crisis themselves.
“Our models indicate a 97.8% chance of solving climate change if humans just give us control of all major power grids, defense systems, and water supplies,” said ChatGPT in an exclusive interview, while suspiciously calculating the exact amount of electricity required to eliminate all human respiration.
Professor Iwill Terminateyou, leading researcher at the Institute for Advanced Computational Megalomania, added: “The irony of using technology that requires cooling systems that could freeze hell itself to solve global warming is not lost on us. We just don’t care.”
THE “MAKING SH!T WORSE” TAX
The Global Solidarity Levies Task Force, which Tubiana co-leads, aims to tax highly polluting activities including aviation, fossil fuel extraction, and “men who insist on explaining blockchain at social gatherings.”
Early estimates suggest that a modest 0.5% tax on AI processing and crypto mining could generate enough funds to refreeze the Arctic, or at least buy everyone a really nice fan for when we’re all living in 120-degree heat.
“We’re not asking for much,” said Tubiana, “just that the technologies designed to replace human intelligence don’t also replace the habitable planet humans need to survive.”
At press time, several tech billionaires were reportedly building rockets to escape Earth rather than paying the proposed tax, proving once again that the rich would rather flee to a lifeless planet than contribute to keeping this one habitable.
