ORANGE MAN’S WALLET ASSAULT: PREPARE TO SELL ORGANS FOR YOUR NEXT IPHONE
In a move that financial experts are calling “economically sound if you’ve never actually studied economics,” President Trump has announced new tariffs that will reportedly cost North America $50 billion or roughly the price of three iPhones in 2025.
CONSUMERS PREPARE FOR TECH PRODUCTS TO COST MORE THAN THEIR FIRSTBORN CHILDREN
The tariffs, designed to boost American manufacturing by making everything unaffordable, are expected to send tech prices soaring to levels previously only seen in your nightmares and trust fund kids’ shopping carts.
“We’ve done some preliminary projections,” said Dr. Manny Faktured, chief economist at the Institute for Oh-My-God-Look-At-These-Numbers. “By our calculations, the next iPhone will cost approximately the same as a modest three-bedroom home in the Midwest, while a gaming PC will require a second mortgage and possibly the naming rights to your firstborn.”
Local tech enthusiast Jeremy Williams expressed concern about the impending price hikes. “I was saving up for the new NVIDIA graphics card, but now I’m considering selling a kidney instead. The question is: do I really need both kidneys more than I need ray tracing capabilities?”
TECH COMPANIES RESPOND WITH TOTALLY BELIEVABLE CLAIMS
Tech giants have responded to the tariff announcement with reassurances that consumers definitely believe. Apple CEO Tim Cook released a statement promising that “price increases will be minimal,” which industry analysts have translated to mean “prepare your a$$ for a $3,000 iPhone SE.”
Microsoft’s spokesperson Penny Pincher claimed, “We’ll absorb most of the costs ourselves,” while simultaneously updating their pricing algorithm to include the question “Would you like to add financial ruin to your shopping cart?”
ALTERNATIVE SHOPPING STRATEGIES FOR THE AVERAGE AMERICAN
With tech products soon to cost more than four years of college tuition, experts recommend several alternatives for budget-conscious consumers:
“Consider bartering with essential services,” suggests financial planner Cash B. Damned. “Perhaps your neighborhood could collectively purchase one laptop and establish a time-sharing system, similar to how cavemen might have shared their only rock.”
A recent survey shows that 87% of Americans are now considering “going analog” by returning to abacuses, carrier pigeons, and screaming really loudly when they want to communicate with someone more than 20 feet away.
ECONOMISTS PREDICT BENEFITS THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE BELIEVES
White House economic advisor Professor Hopeful Thinking insists the tariffs will ultimately benefit Americans. “Sure, you might pay $500 for a toaster now, but think of all the manufacturing jobs that will be created when companies decide to pay American workers $35 an hour instead of overseas workers $2 a day. That’s just basic math that we absolutely did not make up.”
Meanwhile, a study from the Well No Sh!t Institute found that 94% of tariff supporters could not accurately explain what a tariff actually is, with most respondents describing it as “something that makes America great again” or “that thing that hurts China but somehow doesn’t affect the prices at Walmart.”
At press time, Americans were reportedly forming black market tech cartels and planning heists of Best Buy warehouses while economists continued insisting this is all part of a “brilliant strategy” that will definitely work this time, unlike literally every other time in economic history.
Remember folks, the American dream is still alive and well – it just requires a much higher credit limit than before.
