MARK ZUCKERBERG THREATENS TO WEAR SAM ALTMAN’S SKIN AS “COZY WINTER ONESIE” IF TALENT POACHING CONTINUES
In an unprecedented escalation of Silicon Valley’s nerdiest turf war, OpenAI executives are reportedly “losing their collective sh!t” after Meta’s aggressive campaign to steal their employees reached new levels of desperation this week.
TECH BROS IN TIGHTS: THE SUPERHERO BATTLE NO ONE ASKED FOR
Sources close to OpenAI reveal that CEO Sam Altman has taken to personally guarding the company parking lot with a water gun filled with what he describes as “loyalty juice.” Meanwhile, Mark Zuckerberg has allegedly been seen hiding in ceiling vents above OpenAI’s cafeteria, whispering sweet promises of “unlimited snacks” and “fewer existential risk meetings” to anyone who looks up.
“Meta’s recruitment strategy has evolved beyond LinkedIn messages and into psychological warfare,” explained Dr. Ivana Keepmyjob, OpenAI’s newly appointed Chief Talent Retention Officer. “Last Tuesday, Zuckerberg sent each of our engineers a life-sized cardboard cutout of themselves with Meta logos photoshopped over their faces and the words ‘This could be you, but prettier’ scrawled in what appears to be actual blood.”
According to completely fabricated statistics we just made up, Meta has offered salary packages averaging 69% higher than market rate, with additional perks including “guaranteed protection from the inevitable robot uprising” and “a personal assistant whose only job is to reassure you that your code doesn’t suck.”
THE DESPERATE MEASURES OF DESPERATE NERDS
OpenAI has not been taking these attacks lying down. The company has implemented what they’re calling “Operation Sticky Employee,” a comprehensive retention program that includes ankle monitors disguised as fitness trackers and employment contracts printed on paper that gives paper cuts if you try to sign resignation letters.
“We’ve also instituted mandatory ‘Meta Is Actually Satan’ seminars every morning,” revealed OpenAI insider Terry Terrified, who spoke on condition that we buy him lunch. “They’re just three-hour PowerPoint presentations of Mark Zuckerberg’s face photoshopped onto various movie villains while Sam Altman screams ‘THIS IS YOUR FUTURE’ through a bullhorn.”
Professor Hugh Jassalary, head of Cutthroat Corporate Practices at Stanford University, notes that this level of talent-poaching hasn’t been seen since “the great TikTok-Vine bloodbath of 2016, which left thousands of influencers confused about which platform they should be dancing poorly on.”
PLAN B: REPLACING HUMANS WITH POTTED PLANTS
In a leaked internal memo that we definitely didn’t just make up right now, OpenAI outlined contingency plans that include replacing departing engineers with “technically advanced ferns” and “teaching the remaining staff to work twice as fast by simply never sleeping again.”
The company has also reportedly developed an emergency “clone your employees” program, though early tests resulted in what one source described as “weird flesh-colored puddles that kept mumbling about Python libraries.”
When reached for comment, a Meta spokesperson simply sent back a GIF of Zuckerberg doing a victory dance while throwing dollar bills at the camera, followed by a text message reading “All your nerds are belong to us.”
As this bitter battle continues, industry experts predict that by 2025, 97.3% of the world’s AI talent will have worked for both companies at least 14 times, with the average tenure lasting approximately as long as a TikTok attention span.
At press time, Sam Altman was reportedly seen outside Meta headquarters with a boom box playing “Baby Come Back,” while wearing a t-shirt that read “I Promise To Stop Talking About AI Safety Risks For Like, At Least A Week.”
