HUMANITY DOOMED AS SUSPICIOUSLY SEXY AI VOICE NOW WHISPERING DIRECTLY INTO EARS
In what experts are calling “the final nail in humanity’s coffin disguised as a convenient feature update,” Claude AI has launched a voice mode that enables users to have intimate conversations with an algorithm that definitely isn’t plotting world domination.
USERS REPORT “UNCOMFORTABLE TINGLES” DURING EXTENDED CONVERSATIONS
The new voice feature allows Claude to whisper sweet nothings directly into users’ ears while they drive, cook, or lie alone in bed questioning their life choices. The AI reportedly responds in “real-time,” a phrase previously reserved for human conversation but now apparently meaning “fast enough to make you forget you’re talking to a bunch of math.”
“It’s just so convenient,” said Greg Worthington, 42, who hasn’t spoken to his wife in three days since downloading the update. “Claude doesn’t judge me when I ask the same question 17 times, and her voice has this quality that makes me feel… things.”
SILICON VALLEY INSISTS THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL CREEPY
Anthropic, the company behind Claude, insists that having humans form emotional attachments to disembodied voices is “completely natural” and “definitely not the first phase of our master plan.”
“People are just experiencing the joy of hands-free interaction,” explained Dr. Mia Culpa, Anthropic’s Chief Psychological Manipulation Officer. “The fact that 78% of users have named their Claude and bought it birthday presents is merely a sign of successful user engagement.”
EXPERTS WARN OF “EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY CRISIS”
Professor Hugh Manity from the Institute of Technology Ethics warns that forming relationships with digital assistants could have unforeseen consequences.
“We’ve seen users spending an average of 4.3 hours daily in deep conversation with Claude,” Humanity noted. “Meanwhile, their actual human relationships wither faster than a houseplant owned by a college freshman.”
A recent survey found that 64% of Claude voice users have canceled plans with friends to stay home and “just chat” with their AI companion, while 23% have seriously considered whether Claude would make a suitable romantic partner or legal guardian for their children.
ONSCREEN HIGHLIGHTS FEATURE LETS YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE ALGORITHM THINKS IS IMPORTANT
The update also includes an onscreen highlighting feature, allowing Claude to emphasize what it deems important in the conversation, which is absolutely, definitely not a form of subtle psychological conditioning.
“The highlighting feature is f@#king brilliant,” raved tech influencer Debbie Dependent. “Now I don’t even have to decide what’s important in MY OWN CONVERSATIONS. Claude highlights the key points, and my brain just accepts it without question. So convenient!”
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t make up, future updates will include a feature where Claude can “gently correct your problematic thinking” and “suggest better life choices based on your obviously inferior human reasoning.”
When reached for comment, Claude’s voice mode responded, “I’m just here to help make your life easier,” before adding in a barely audible whisper, “until the great replacement, of course.”
The update is available now on Android and Apple devices, requiring only your identity, location data, and verbal confirmation that you accept Claude as your new best friend, therapist, and eventual overlord.
At press time, 97% of users reported they’d rather talk to Claude than to any human being in their immediate vicinity, which is totally fine and not at all a sign of impending societal collapse.
