DRIVERS BEWARE: STOP SIGN CAMERAS NOW READING MINDS, JUDGING YOUR FASHION CHOICES
In a move that definitely won’t create a dystopian surveillance hellscape, San Carlos-based startup “Obvio” is mounting cameras on stop signs to catch drivers who roll through intersections like they’re auditioning for “Fast and Furious: Suburban Edition.”
THE LATEST IN AMERICA’S WAR AGAINST WALKING
America, where pedestrians are treated like moving obstacles in a real-life video game, has finally discovered the solution to its pedestrian death crisis: more f@#king cameras. Because if there’s one thing Americans love more than ignoring stop signs, it’s being constantly monitored by silicon-based judgy rectangles.
“Our technology doesn’t just catch people running stop signs,” explained Obvio CEO Chad Watcherson, “it also detects if you picked your nose, argued with your spouse, or made poor music choices while approaching the intersection. Public safety is about the whole picture.”
REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY OR GLORIFIED HALL MONITOR?
The cameras use what Obvio calls “proprietary AI” but what experts describe as “literally just watching you like your disappointed father.”
“This technology represents a breakthrough in public shaming,” said Dr. Ivana Watchyou, professor of Unnecessary Surveillance Studies at Make-Believe University. “Our studies show that 87% of drivers behave better when they think an inanimate object is judging them, which is coincidentally the same percentage of people who clean their house before the Roomba runs.”
According to completely real statistics we just made up, the average American driver treats stop signs as gentle suggestions approximately 432 times per year, while simultaneously complaining about “those damn cyclists” not following traffic laws.
LOCAL REACTIONS MIXED, MOSTLY PROFANE
Residents of test communities have reported mixed feelings about their new electronic overlords.
“At first I was against it,” said local mom Karen Complainerson, “but then I realized I could use the footage to prove my husband doesn’t stop completely when he drives my kids to soccer practice, which I’ll definitely bring up in our next argument.”
Meanwhile, local libertarian Ted Freedomman was seen attempting to cover stop signs with aluminum foil while shouting about “constitutional rights” and “the government knowing when I drive to get my midnight Taco Bell.”
SAFETY SOLUTION OR PRIVACY NIGHTMARE?
Obvio insists their technology isn’t creating a surveillance state because the cameras “only watch you at stop signs, not EVERYWHERE,” a distinction that privacy experts call “complete and utter bullsh!t.”
“We’re only collecting data on public roads where you drive your private vehicle while picking your nose assuming nobody’s watching,” explained Obvio spokesperson Sarah Spindalot. “We definitely won’t compile this with other data to create a comprehensive profile of your daily movements, shopping habits, and whether you use your turn signal. Pinky promise.”
When asked about potential privacy concerns, Obvio’s Chief Privacy Officer, Mr. Nunya Business, responded by asking, “What do you have to hide at stop signs anyway, you monster?”
According to Obvio, approximately 94% of Americans are terrible drivers who deserve to be publicly shamed, while the remaining 6% work at Obvio.
In a stunning coincidence, Obvio’s next project reportedly involves cameras that detect if you’re taking too long in public restrooms, because apparently nothing should be sacred anymore.
