ROBOT BUTLER PROMISES TO BE SMART, TURNS OUT DUMBER THAN A KITCHEN SPONGE
By Seymour Butts, AI Antics Chief Disillusionment Correspondent
CUPERTINO, CA – In a stunning revelation that has shocked literally no one who’s ever asked Siri for directions to the bathroom in their own home, Apple is being sued by millions of disappointed users who foolishly believed their digital assistant might eventually develop the intelligence of a moderately bright gerbil.
SIRI STILL CONFUSED BY SIMPLE REQUESTS DESPITE BEING OLDER THAN MOST INSTAGRAM INFLUENCERS’ CAREERS
The class action lawsuit claims that Apple promised Siri would revolutionize how humans interact with technology but instead delivered a glorified egg timer that occasionally misinterprets “Call Mom” as “Text my boss about that embarrassing medical condition.”
“Apple sold us on a brilliant AI assistant, but what we got was basically a Magic 8-Ball with better marketing,” said lead plaintiff Barry Noware. “I asked Siri to remind me to pick up my kids and somehow ended up with seventeen calendar appointments for ‘lick up kids’ scheduled at 3 AM.”
EXPERTS CLAIM APPLE’S DEFINITION OF “INTELLIGENCE” MORE CREATIVE THAN THEIR LAST FIVE PRODUCT LAUNCHES
“This is the digital equivalent of ordering a Ferrari online and receiving a hamster with wheels strapped to its feet,” explained consumer technology analyst Dr. Obvious Scammer, founder of the Institute for Things Everyone Already F@#king Knows. “Apple essentially promised us HAL 9000 and delivered a Speak & Spell with occasional suicidal tendencies.”
Internal documents reveal Apple executives were fully aware of Siri’s limitations, with one email reportedly stating: “Just keep adding different ways to ask about the weather. Nobody will notice that’s basically all this thing can do reliably.”
APPLE CLAIMS “ARTIFICIAL” PART OF “ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE” WAS THE ONLY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION
In their defense, Apple representatives argue that users simply misunderstood what “intelligent assistant” means.
“We never claimed Siri would be ACTUALLY intelligent,” said Apple spokesperson Lydia Plainview at a recent press conference. “We merely suggested it might occasionally understand words spoken clearly by a middle-aged man with a neutral accent in a completely silent room.”
Studies show that 97.8% of Siri interactions end with users screaming profanities at their devices, while the remaining 2.2% involve accidental activations that record private conversations about embarrassing medical conditions.
Professor Ivana Punchwall from the Department of Empty Technology Promises at Stanford University notes, “When Apple first unveiled Siri, they demonstrated it scheduling meetings and sending messages flawlessly. What they didn’t mention was those demos were more heavily rehearsed than a Broadway musical and about as realistic as my ex-husband’s hairline.”
The lawsuit demands Apple pay each plaintiff $1,200 or the equivalent value in unnecessary dongles.
At press time, we asked Siri for comment and she responded by ordering 47 pizzas to an address in Wichita, Kansas that none of our staff have ever visited, proving the plaintiffs’ point more effectively than any lawyer ever could.
