GOVERNMENT’S FANCY FACE SCANNERS CONFIRM HUMANS STILL LOOK LIKE HUMANS
In a move that has absolutely everyone shocked except literally no one, police in England and Wales are planning to install permanent facial recognition cameras that definitely won’t be misused in any way whatsoever, you guys, pinky promise.
WELCOME TO NORTH END: WHERE YOUR FACE IS FAMOUS BEFORE YOU ARE
Croydon’s North End street, known worldwide for its glamorous array of pawn shops and places that sell chicken in buckets, has been selected as the prestigious location for Britain’s first fixed facial recognition system. Local residents expressed their overwhelming joy by asking, “What the f@#k is facial recognition?” and “Why the sh!t are they putting this here?”
The cutting-edge system will silently photograph unsuspecting pedestrians, extract their biometric data, and compare it to a “watchlist” which officials insist is “totally not everyone we don’t like” and “definitely doesn’t have your name on it probably.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: JUDGING YOUR MUGSHOT BETTER THAN YOUR EX
The technology works by analyzing facial measurements with what experts describe as “math so complex we just assume it works.” Dr. Ivor Watchingu, Director of the Institute for Creepy Surveillance Studies, explained: “These cameras can identify criminals with up to 97% accuracy, which means only about 3% of the population will be wrongfully harassed, and that’s a price we’re willing to make YOU pay.”
PRIVACY CONCERNS DISMISSED AS “JUST VIBES”
When asked about privacy issues, Police Commissioner Hugh R. Watching responded: “Privacy? In 2025? That’s adorable. Look, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about, unless you have a face that looks like someone who did something wrong, or the system glitches, or we decide we don’t like your hat.”
Civil liberties groups have raised concerns that these systems might lead to a dystopian surveillance state. “Might lead to?” laughed Professor Orwell Wasright from Future Dystopia University. “Honey, we’re already giving that dystopia a lap dance and asking for its phone number.”
RESIDENTS THRILLED TO STAR IN THEIR OWN BLACK MIRROR EPISODE
Local Croydon resident Mary Jenkins, 62, expressed her excitement: “I always wanted to be on camera, though I was hoping more for Bake Off than Police State Weekly.” Another resident, Dave Thompson, commented, “At least someone’s looking at my face. My Tinder profile hasn’t had a match in years.”
According to made-up statistics from our research department, approximately 89.7% of people photographed by the system will immediately become self-conscious about their double chin, while 42.3% will wish they’d worn makeup that day.
EXPERT OPINION: THIS IS FINE
Security expert Dr. Nodystopiahear insisted the technology is perfectly safe. “These systems have been tested extensively on diverse populations consisting primarily of white male police officers in good lighting conditions. What could possibly go wrong?”
In a statement that would make George Orwell spin fast enough to power London for a week, police officials assured the public this is just the beginning. Plans are already underway to expand the technology to public toilets “to catch people who don’t wash their hands” and nursery schools “because you can never start building a lifelong biometric profile too early.”
As Britain races toward a future where every awkward facial expression is catalogued by algorithm-driven judgment rectangles, officials want to remind citizens: “Remember to smile for the cameras! Or don’t. Either way, we’ve got your face forever.”
