TECH OVERLORDS DEMAND RIGHT TO SCAN YOUR STUPID FACE WHENEVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king no one, the Metropolitan police have graciously suggested that maybe, just MAYBE, there should be “some sort of framework” for their godlike power to identify you from across the street using cameras that can see through your soul and probably your underwear too.
FACIAL RECOGNITION: THE STALKER EX-BOYFRIEND TECHNOLOGY THAT’S SOMEHOW LEGAL
The Met’s groundbreaking revelation comes as facial recognition cameras spread across England and Wales faster than a celebrity sex tape, with absolutely no specific laws governing their use. Because why would we need laws for technology that tracks citizens’ every movement? That’s just crazy talk!
“We’ve been scanning faces willy-nilly for years now, and honestly, we’re shocked nobody’s bothered to stop us,” admitted Chief Constable Seymour Faces, who definitely isn’t made up. “It’s like finding out you can print your own money and the government’s response is ‘eh, whatever floats your boat.'”
PRIVATE COMPANIES JOIN THE FACE-HUNTING PARTY
It’s not just police getting in on this dystopian bonanza. Private companies are deploying facial recognition with all the restraint of a toddler with a fire hose. Shopping malls, stadiums, and even that sketchy convenience store on your corner are investing in technology that’s basically the same as having your overbearing mother recognize you in a crowd, except it’s a soulless algorithm that never sleeps and doesn’t love you.
Dr. Orwell Toldyaso, Professor of Obvious Consequences at the University of Hindsight, explained: “What could possibly go wrong with unregulated biometric surveillance? Besides the 87% chance of catastrophic privacy collapse and the 92% likelihood of targeting already marginalized communities? Nothing! It’s fine! Everything’s fine!”
ACCURACY SCHMACCURACY
Studies show facial recognition is wrong approximately 60% of the time when identifying minorities, women, and basically anyone who isn’t a middle-aged white dude with a forgettable face. But hey, that’s a small price to pay for the illusion of security!
“Our system is incredibly accurate,” insisted tech developer Dick Tater from surveillance company WatchYouPee. “It only misidentifies people when they have faces. Otherwise, it’s spot on.”
LAWMAKERS RESPOND WITH CHARACTERISTIC URGENCY
When asked about the lack of legal framework for this rapidly expanding surveillance nightmare, lawmakers responded by scratching their heads, checking their investment portfolios in tech companies, and muttering something about forming a committee to discuss potentially considering the option of maybe thinking about regulations sometime before the heat death of the universe.
Meanwhile, 94% of citizens interviewed for this article were too busy taking selfies to notice their biometric data being harvested like organs from unwitting victims in a back-alley surgery.
SOLUTION JUST AROUND THE CORNER
Experts agree the solution is simple: either wear a paper bag over your head at all times or undergo expensive facial reconstruction surgery every three weeks to confuse the algorithms.
As facial recognition becomes as common as public urination at music festivals, British citizens can rest easy knowing their faces are being analyzed, categorized, and monetized with all the ethical oversight of a cocaine-fueled Wall Street party in the 1980s.
At press time, this reporter’s front door was being kicked in by authorities who apparently didn’t appreciate being compared to stalker ex-boyfriends. Best of luck scanning my face when it’s pressed against the pavement, you silicon-powered peeping Toms!
