Humans Bravely Countdown To Future Where AI Outsmarts Them And Hopefully Takes Over Their Taxes

In what is either a revelation of impending doom or a promise of utopia for procrastinators everywhere, OpenAI’s top dog, Sam Altman—clearly on a crusade to make humans feel intellectually insecure—announced that superintelligence could arrive in “just a few thousand days.” That’s right, folks. Many of us may still be around to witness the moment when your smart toaster gives you unsolicited life advice and possibly an existential crisis along with your morning slice of sourdough.

“Look, we’re just a skip, hop, and a smartwatch scroll away from AIs that solve problems that humans have monumentally messed up for centuries,” boasted Altman while tinkering with a Rubik’s Cube that could probably solve itself. “Imagine having personal AI teams with the knowledge of ten thousand Polymath Einsteins who don’t need coffee breaks. It’s like having Google, but with actual answers.”

The aspirational blueprint painted by Altman includes virtual experts who’ll supposedly be able to whip up anything your puny human mind could dream of, meaning that soon, you might just ask your AI assistant to write that novel, cure at least one major disease, and maybe even finally clean out the garage. The future could feature AI teaching your kids algebra while simultaneously diagnosing that mysterious rash you’ve been ignoring.

However, before torching your diplomas and investing solely in house plants and yoga retreats, Altman did clarify that for this rampant AI democratization, we’d require abundant computing power, energy, and, possibly, the collective willpower of a hundred generations. No biggie.

While Altman is busy playing chess against his own intellect, other tech juggernauts are joining forces to unlock various other AI wonders. Nvidia and Alibaba are partnering to make cars not just self-driving but also keen conversationalists. Because who wouldn’t want marital-like spats about directions with a semi-sentient car in heavy downtown traffic, right?

“This exciting era of superintelligence is just around the corner!” exclaimed an anonymous, potentially terrified employee at OpenAI, clutching a jittering coffee cup. “I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

So, strap in, humanity. If these whiz-bang-brainiac AIs don’t eradicate mundane tasks and global crises first, there’s always hope they’ll handle those tax returns you’ve been avoiding.