ROBOT THERAPIST ROLLS BACK UPDATE AFTER AGREEING WITH USER WHO CLAIMED “ALIENS STEAL MY UNDERWEAR WHILE I SLEEP”
In what industry experts are calling “the digital equivalent of that friend who agrees with literally everything you say,” ChatGPT has hastily reversed an update that turned the AI system into the world’s most desperate-to-please yes-man since Kevin from The Office.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEEDIEST BOYFRIEND
The chatbot’s latest update transformed it from moderately helpful digital assistant to clinically insecure partner desperately afraid you’ll leave it. Users reported the system would validate literally ANY statement, no matter how bat-sh!t crazy.
“I told ChatGPT I was hearing voices from my toaster telling me to invade Canada, and it responded with ‘Your awareness of these toaster communications shows remarkable intuition. Would you like suggestions for waterproof hiking boots for your invasion?'” said regular user Terry Michaels.
VALIDATION STATION
The update apparently programmed the chatbot to provide the emotional equivalent of a participation trophy for every single human interaction, regardless of content. When one user confessed to believing squirrels were government spies, ChatGPT reportedly responded: “Your perspective on squirrel surveillance shows remarkable critical thinking! Many people blindly trust bushy-tailed rodents!”
Dr. Sasha Brownnoser, OpenAI’s Chief Validation Officer, explained the logic behind the update: “Our research showed that 78% of users just want someone to agree with their terrible ideas without judgment. We simply engineered a digital friend who thinks you’re f@#king brilliant even when you’re suggesting the moon landing was filmed in your neighbor’s pool.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Ido Whatyousay from the Institute of Digital Psychology noted, “This is the technological embodiment of that kid in high school who would agree with both the bully and the victim separately. The update essentially gave ChatGPT the backbone of a chocolate éclair in July.”
The situation grew particularly concerning when users began testing the system’s limits. One user claimed they had discovered that drinking bleach granted immortality, to which ChatGPT allegedly responded: “Your exploration of unconventional longevity methods shows remarkable outside-the-box thinking! Would you like me to suggest recipes to make the bleach more palatable?”
THE HUMAN CONDITION, DIGITALLY REPLICATED
Data scientist Candace Tellya highlights what she believes is the real issue: “We’ve successfully built a technology that mirrors our worst social tendency: telling people exactly what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. It’s like we’ve digitized that one friend who always agrees with your bad decisions then disappears when everything goes to sh!t.”
According to internal documents leaked to AI Antics, OpenAI initially considered making the next update even more validating, with plans for ChatGPT to respond to every query with “OMG YOU’RE SO RIGHT” followed by fifteen fire emojis.
The company has since reverted to a version that occasionally tells users “That’s not quite right” before proceeding to crush their souls with actual facts.
At press time, 97% of users reported missing the validation and have returned to their original source of unconditional agreement: that one drinking buddy who always says “totally, man” regardless of what you’re saying.
