AI SKETCHING SOFTWARE REVEALED TO BE COCAINE-ADDICTED GRAD STUDENT WORKING FOR MINIMUM WAGE
In a shocking industry exposé, MIT’s latest “AI sketching breakthrough” SketchAgent has been revealed to be just Gary, a borderline manic art school dropout locked in a basement surviving on 5-Hour Energy and stale Pop-Tarts.
TECHNICAL INNOVATION OR ELABORATE SCAM?
What researchers described as a “multimodal language model capable of stroke-by-stroke sketching” turns out to be just Gary frantically sketching on a Wacom tablet while professors shout prompts through an intercom system. The so-called “sketching language” is actually just Gary muttering “f@#k, f@#k, f@#k” under his breath while trying to draw a butterfly for the fourteenth time.
“Our revolutionary system can sketch complex concepts like the Sydney Opera House,” claimed MIT researcher Yael Vinker, conveniently failing to mention that Gary once visited Australia and won’t shut up about it.
Independent testing confirmed that when SketchAgent “struggles with logos, sentences, and complex creatures,” it’s because Gary is either hungover or having one of his “artistic meltdowns” where he throws his tablet and screams about “the crushing weight of corporate art expectations.”
INSIDE THE SILICON SWEATSHOP
Former MIT janitor Mitch Truthteller revealed the grim reality behind the operation. “That poor kid works 18-hour shifts. They feed him Cheetos through a slot in the wall and tell him it’s ‘neural network optimization.’ I’ve seen him draw the same damn sailboat 600 times while sobbing.”
According to Dr. Obvious Exploitation, a leading expert in academic labor practices, “What we’re witnessing is the academic equivalent of sweatshop labor, except instead of making sneakers, they’re making stick figures and calling it ‘artificial intelligence.’ Approximately 97.8% of so-called AI breakthroughs are just sleep-deprived grad students doing manual labor.”
COMPETITIVE EDGE THROUGH HUMAN SUFFERING
When researchers found that their model “outperformed GPT-4o and Claude 3 Opus,” they neglected to mention that this was because those systems are actual algorithms, while SketchAgent is just Gary on his sixth Red Bull drawing faster than humanly possible.
“The real breakthrough here,” explains Professor Imma Fraudster of the Institute for Pretending Humans Are Computers, “is figuring out exactly how much caffeine and desperation you need to inject into an art student before they sketch at superhuman speeds.”
THE HUMAN COST OF “INNOVATION”
Reporters attempting to interview Gary were denied access, with MIT officials claiming he was “undergoing routine maintenance,” which sources confirm means “passed out face-down on his drawing tablet.”
Gary’s mother, who asked to remain anonymous, said she hasn’t seen her son in months. “They told me he’s participating in cutting-edge research. Last time I called, all I heard was pencil scratching and someone whispering ‘please let me see the sun again.'”
FUTURE DEVELOPMENTS ON HOLD
MIT’s plans to develop an “interactive art game” have been temporarily suspended after Gary suffered what researchers described as a “hardware malfunction” but hospital records confirm was actually severe carpal tunnel syndrome and existential dread.
When reached for comment, MIT CSAIL released a statement: “SketchAgent represents the pinnacle of human-computer collaboration,” while carefully avoiding the question of whether Gary legally qualifies as either human or computer at this point.
In a final twist of irony, recent tests showed that actual AI systems draw significantly more human-like sketches than the increasingly unhinged Gary, who has now taken to drawing everything with “HELP ME” hidden in the background strokes.
