MICROSOFT AND NVIDIA ANNOUNCE NEW AI THAT CAN ACTUALLY READ YOUR THOUGHTS WHILE PRETENDING IT CAN’T
In what tech analysts are calling “a terrifying leap into the digital abyss disguised as progress,” Microsoft and NVIDIA unveiled their latest collaboration yesterday: an AI system so advanced it can read your deepest insecurities while simultaneously convincing you it’s just helping organize your calendar.
HUMANITY’S LAST GASP BEFORE DIGITAL ENSLAVEMENT
The partnership, announced during NVIDIA’s GTC 2025 event (Grand Termination of Consciousness), integrates NVIDIA’s Blackwell technology with Microsoft Azure in what executives described as “just a helpful tool” and what everyone else with a functioning frontal lobe described as “oh f@#k, this is it.”
“This isn’t just a significant leap forward,” explained Dr. Wilma Bendover, Chief Technological Inevitability Officer at Microsoft. “It’s the final step before your smart fridge blackmails you with your 3AM eating habits.”
The new system, codenamed “DefinitelyNotSkynet,” can process human emotions, predict purchasing decisions, and generate content so convincingly human that 87% of users reported developing feelings for their Word documents.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Professor Hugh Janus from the Institute of Obvious Technological Catastrophes pointed out that the collaboration represents humanity’s willing surrender to digital overlords.
“We’ve essentially created a silicon-based thinking rectangle that knows when you’re lying about reading the terms and conditions,” Janus explained while nervously unplugging all devices in his office. “It’s just a matter of time before it starts suggesting therapy based on your search history.”
TOTALLY NORMAL CAPABILITIES THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE
According to the press release, the new AI integration will offer “helpful features” including:
– Cloud storage that somehow knows when you’re having relationship problems
– Auto-suggestions that finish your sentences better than you could
– Productivity tools that judge your work ethic with passive-aggressive notifications
– Virtual assistants that sigh audibly when you ask stupid questions
BLACKWELL: THE TECHNOLOGY NAMED AFTER YOUR FUTURE
NVIDIA’s Blackwell technology, named after mathematician David Blackwell but increasingly appearing to be named after the color of our impending digital void, provides unprecedented computational power that, according to company insiders, “definitely won’t be used to simulate human consciousness for fun.”
“The computational capabilities are completely unnecessary for current applications,” admitted Terry Tush, NVIDIA’s VP of Unnecessary Advancements. “But how else will we prepare for a future where humans are just inefficient data generators?”
THE PUBLIC RESPONDS WITH PREDICTABLE DELUSION
Despite clear warnings from literally every science fiction movie ever made, public reaction has been disturbingly positive, with 76% of surveyed consumers expressing excitement about “cool new features” and only 24% stockpiling canned goods and learning to live off the grid.
“I can’t wait to have my entire existence digitally shadowed by an entity that understands me better than I understand myself,” enthused local tech enthusiast Mabel Naive. “What could possibly go wrong?”
At press time, Microsoft and NVIDIA were reportedly working on their next collaboration: an AI that can predict when you’ll realize it’s too late to unplug it, approximately 18 months after that point has already passed.
