THIRSTY ALGORITHMS GUZZLE AMERICA’S WATER SUPPLY WHILE YOUR LAWN DIES OF DEHYDRATION
In a turn of events that has water conservationists crying into their empty canteens, tech giants are building massive artificial intelligence facilities in some of the driest regions of America, because apparently making ChatGPT answer your stupid questions about hot dog ingredients is more important than having drinking water in the future.
DIGITAL DIPSH!TS DRAIN RESERVOIRS
Tech companies including Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are constructing enormous data centers in drought-prone regions with the environmental awareness of a drunk toddler playing with matches in a fireworks factory. These digital thirst traps require millions of gallons of water daily just to keep their servers from melting into silicon puddles while generating responses to your urgent “Is cereal soup?” queries.
“These facilities consume roughly the same amount of water as 47 f@#king water parks,” explains Dr. H2Omygod Johnson, head of the Center for Obvious Environmental Concerns. “Each time you ask an AI assistant to write you a poem about your cat, somewhere a farmer watches his crops wither and die.”
CORPORATE PROMISES DRIER THAN AFFECTED COMMUNITIES
When confronted about their catastrophic water usage, tech companies responded with sustainability pledges that experts describe as “laughably inadequate” and “the environmental equivalent of pissing on a forest fire.”
Corporate spokesperson Amanda Watersby from MegaTech Solutions insisted, “We’re committed to being water neutral by 2089 or whenever the last river dries up, whichever comes first. In the meantime, we’ve distributed company-branded reusable water bottles to our employees, so we’re basically Captain Planet.”
LOCAL RESIDENTS ENCOURAGED TO SHOWER WITH FRIENDS
Meanwhile, residents in affected communities face increasingly strict water restrictions while watching tanker trucks deliver millions of gallons to cool the very machines that are generating their daily horoscopes and dinner recommendations.
“I haven’t flushed my toilet in three weeks,” says Arizona resident Tom Wellington, “but at least the thinking rectangle can tell me 50 ways to cook with cactus, which is all that grows in my garden now.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE REQUIRES REAL WATER
According to completely fabricated statistics that feel true, one AI response to “show me pictures of cats wearing hats” requires approximately 8.7 gallons of water, the same amount a family in Nairobi uses in a day.
Professor Theressa Drought of the Institute for Making Up Water Facts adds, “By 2030, approximately 73% of America’s freshwater will be used solely to cool servers that are writing erotic fan fiction and solving math problems for cheating high schoolers.”
TECH COMPANIES SUGGEST HUMANS EVOLVE TO NEED LESS WATER
In an innovative approach to the problem, several tech giants have proposed that instead of reducing their water consumption, humans should simply adapt to require less hydration.
“Have people considered evolving past their dependency on water?” asked Microsoft’s Vice President of Environmental Deflection, Chad Driesman. “Our digital assistants are evolving every day. Maybe humans could take a page from that book and learn to photosynthesize or something?”
In a groundbreaking solution, Google has suggested people simply drink their own tears of frustration, which should be in abundant supply as the planet continues its rapid descent into resource-depleted madness.
As America’s reservoirs approach levels lower than Congress’s approval ratings, at least we can take comfort knowing that our silicon-based sentence generators will continue suggesting new Netflix shows long after the last human dies of thirst.
