TECH GIANTS CONSPIRE TO MAKE COMPUTERS THAT AREN’T COMPLETE SH!T FOR ONCE
MIT and GlobalFoundries have announced a groundbreaking partnership that experts are calling “the least f@#king useless thing either organization has done in years.”
THE NERDS ARE GETTING DESPERATE
In what many are describing as “two drowning people grabbing onto each other,” MIT’s Microsystems Technology Laboratories and GlobalFoundries’ research team announced they’re joining forces to create chips that might actually work without melting a hole through your desk or requiring their own nuclear power plant.
“We’ve realized that maybe, just maybe, computers shouldn’t consume the electrical equivalent of a small nation,” explained Dr. Watts N. Sanity, MIT’s lead researcher on the project. “Revolutionary concept, I know.”
THE ACTUAL PLAN SOUNDS BORING AS HELL BUT WE’LL TRY TO EXPLAIN IT
The partnership will initially focus on making chips for artificial intelligence that don’t immediately burst into flames when asked to identify a hot dog. Their first projects involve something called “silicon photonics” which allegedly combines RF SOI, CMOS, and optical features on a single chip. We have no f@#king idea what any of that means, but it apparently makes data centers slightly less likely to cause rolling blackouts across three states.
They’re also working on something called the “22FDX platform” which delivers “ultra-low power consumption for intelligent devices at the edge.” Translation: your smart toaster might finally stop draining your electricity bill faster than your ex drained your bank account.
QUOTES FROM PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE EXCITED
“This collaboration exemplifies the power of academia-industry cooperation,” claimed Tomás Palacios from MIT, clearly reading from a script written by the PR department. Sources close to Palacios report he was seen immediately after the press conference banging his head against a wall muttering “we’re all doomed.”
Gregg Bartlett from GlobalFoundries added, “Together, we will research transformative solutions in the industry,” while his eye twitched uncontrollably and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE (BECAUSE WE MADE THEM UP)
According to completely fabricated statistics, 97.3% of current AI chips melt after just 2.7 days of continuous use, and the average data center consumes enough electricity to power 57,000 hair dryers running simultaneously. Industry analyst Professor Mia Culpa suggests this partnership could reduce those numbers to “slightly less catastrophic levels.”
WHAT THIS ACTUALLY MEANS FOR YOU
Absolutely nothing in the short term. By the time these innovations reach your devices, you’ll have already replaced your phone 12 times and your laptop will have been rendered obsolete by whatever bullsh!t Apple unveils next week.
Dr. Hugh G. Disconnect of the Institute for Telling It Like It Is explained: “Think of this partnership as two people designing a slightly better horse carriage while everyone else is already driving Teslas. Sure, it’s progress, but who gives a sh!t?”
THE SIGNING CEREMONY WAS REPORTEDLY “EXCRUCIATING”
Witnesses describe the formal signing ceremony as “painfully awkward” as executives from both organizations attempted to smile through their existential dread. The room reportedly smelled of flop sweat and broken dreams.
“I haven’t seen that many forced smiles since my cousin’s third wedding,” said janitor and keen observer Terry Cloths, who was emptying trash bins during the event.
In conclusion, this partnership represents mankind’s ongoing delusion that incremental improvements to existing technology will somehow save us from the inevitable climate apocalypse our devices are actively contributing to. But hey, at least your next phone might last 37 minutes longer between charges.
