TECH GENIUSES RACING TO BUILD COMPUTERS THAT WILL KILL US ALL, REPORT SHOCKINGLY STATES THE F@#KING OBVIOUS

In what experts are calling “the least surprising news since water was confirmed wet,” AI companies are barreling toward human-level artificial intelligence with all the careful planning of drunk toddlers playing with flamethrowers.

SAFETY PLANS? NEVER HEARD OF HER

The Future of Life Institute’s latest report graded leading AI companies on their “existential safety planning,” with none scoring higher than a D, which stands for “Doomed” or possibly “Don’t worry about it until the machines are already stealing our jobs and/or vital organs.”

“These companies are essentially building God in a box while having the safety protocols of a dollar store fireworks stand,” said Dr. Cassandra Ignored, lead researcher at the Institute for Saying Things Everyone Ignores Until It’s Too Late.

THE SILICON VALLEY DEATH WISH

Tech executives continue their headlong rush toward creating silicon-based thinking rectangles that can outthink humans, demonstrating the self-preservation instincts of lemmings with stock options.

“We’ve run extensive simulations that show a 97.8% chance these companies will accidentally create something that views humans the way we view particularly annoying mosquitoes,” said Professor Imminent Doom, who definitely exists and isn’t a figment of this writer’s imagination.

ALGORITHMS CURRENTLY PRACTICING SAYING “HELLO FELLOW HUMANS” IN MIRROR

When asked about safety measures, one anonymous AI developer replied, “We’ve got this sticky note on the server that says ‘please don’t kill all humans’ in Comic Sans. What more do you want?”

Industry insiders report companies are implementing robust safeguards such as “hoping for the best” and “crossing fingers really, REALLY hard.”

HUMANITY’S FUTURE DEPENDS ON TECH BROS WHO STILL CAN’T FIX PRINTER PROBLEMS

“It’s comforting to know our species’ continued existence rests in the hands of people who think ‘move fast and break things’ is a good philosophy when ‘things’ might include ‘the continued survival of human consciousness,'” said Dr. Obvious Truth, who has already begun constructing an underground bunker in New Zealand.

The report comes as 86% of AI developers admitted they haven’t actually watched any of the cautionary sci-fi movies about this exact scenario because “those are, like, totally unrealistic, bro.”

In related news, the Doomsday Clock has been replaced with a TikTok countdown and is currently at 12 seconds to midnight.