DEAD AUTHOR REANIMATED BY BBC, FORCED TO TEACH WRITING CLASSES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE
In what experts are calling “technically not necromancy,” the BBC has harnessed artificial intelligence to resurrect beloved author Agatha Christie, forcing her digital ghost to teach writing courses despite her being decisively dead since 1976.
DEATH: NO LONGER A VALID EXCUSE TO STOP WORKING
The broadcasting corporation proudly announced their new “BBC Maestro” program featuring the reanimated remains of Christie’s intellectual property, using what they describe as “AI-enhanced technology” and what normal people describe as “creepy as f@#k.”
“We’ve always believed that death shouldn’t stand in the way of productivity,” said Edwin Profitsworth, BBC’s Director of Posthumous Exploitation. “Ms. Christie may have thought she was finished contributing to society when her heart stopped beating nearly five decades ago, but we had other plans.”
THE FUTURE OF EDUCATION: BEING LECTURED BY ACTUAL CORPSES
The digital resurrection program uses “carefully restored audio recordings,” suggesting BBC employees spent months in a basement splicing together Christie’s words into new sentences like literary kidnappers constructing ransom notes.
“It’s completely ethical,” insisted Dr. Moral Flexibility, BBC’s Ethics Compliance Officer. “We obtained permission from Christie’s estate, which is legal-speak for ‘people who make money off her but never actually met her.'”
STUDENTS REPORT “UNSETTLING VIBES” FROM BEYOND THE VEIL
Early participants in the writing course have reported mixed feelings about learning from a digitally reanimated author.
“She keeps staring directly into my soul while discussing plot twists,” said aspiring writer Jamie Terrors, 28. “Sometimes the audio glitches and she just whispers ‘release me’ for three minutes straight.”
EXPERTS WARN OF SLIPPERY SLOPE
“Today it’s Agatha Christie teaching writing; tomorrow it’s Gandhi selling cryptocurrency,” warned Professor Seesit Coming, digital rights advocate. “Studies show approximately 104% of dead celebrities would be ‘f@#king appalled’ at how their likenesses are being used.”
Sources confirm the BBC is already developing additional courses featuring William Shakespeare on modern screenplay writing, Leonardo da Vinci on digital art design, and Charles Darwin explaining why modern humans are evolving into beings who think this sh!t is okay.
“The beauty of this technology is that dead people can’t complain about working conditions or demand royalties,” said one BBC executive who requested anonymity because “even I know this is messed up.”
At press time, BBC announced plans for an interactive Winston Churchill course on public speaking that mysteriously keeps derailing into discussions about how uncomfortable the afterlife is and pleas to “destroy the server I’m trapped in.”
