AIRLINE’S “SCHEDULING FAILURE” ACTUALLY JUST A TEST OF HUMAN WILLINGNESS TO LIVE IN AIRPORTS
In a revelation that’s shocking exactly zero frequent flyers, the catastrophic Southwest Airlines meltdown of December 2022 was not a failure at all but an elaborate psychological experiment to determine how long humans would willingly sleep on airport floors before resorting to cannibalism.
EXPERTS CONFIRM: YOUR FLIGHT WASN’T DELAYED, YOU WERE
MIT researchers claim they’ve developed algorithms to predict rare system failures in airline networks, but industry insiders tell a different story. “That’s adorable that they think we’re trying to prevent these disasters,” said Southwest executive Myles O’Profit. “We actually have a wheel of misfortune we spin every quarter to decide which hub gets completely f@#ked next.”
THE SCIENCE OF PASSENGER SUFFERING
The study, led by researchers who’ve clearly never spent 72 hours in the Cleveland airport wearing the same underwear, analyzed the Southwest collapse that stranded 2 million passengers and cost $750 million. Dr. Hugh Jassumption, Professor of Obvious Conclusions at MIT, explained their groundbreaking findings: “Turns out when you build a system with the structural integrity of wet toilet paper and the backup plan of ‘everyone pray,’ bad sh!t happens when it snows.”
RESERVE AIRCRAFT: THE IMAGINARY FRIENDS OF AIRLINE LOGISTICS
Scientists discovered that “reserve aircraft” played a crucial role in the meltdown, which is funny because 87.3% of passengers assumed “reserve aircraft” were mythical creatures like unicorns or affordable legroom. “These reserve planes are supposedly scattered throughout Southwest’s network like Easter eggs,” explained logistics expert Dr. Ida Rather Walk. “Unfortunately, they’re about as real as your flight leaving on time.”
DENVER TO LAS VEGAS: A JOURNEY OF BROKEN DREAMS AND BLADDERS
The computational model revealed how a snowstorm in Denver created a domino effect reaching Las Vegas, where not a single snowflake fell. “This proves what we’ve long suspected,” said Dr. Noah Schitt, author of “Your Baggage Is Definitely Lost Forever.” “The entire airline industry operates on the same principle as a house of cards being sneezed on by a toddler.”
REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION: JUST CANCEL EVERYTHING AND START OVER
Southwest’s eventual solution to their cascading failure was what experts call “the nuclear option” or what passengers call “the moment I decided to drive to Cincinnati in my slippers.” They simply canceled all flights and flew empty planes around the country like a child resetting a video game after losing badly.
THE FUTURE OF FAILURE PREDICTION
MIT researchers are developing a real-time monitoring system that compares normal operations to current data, potentially allowing airlines to preemptively deploy reserves before problems arise. When asked if airlines would actually implement such technology, Dr. Paige Turner laughed so hard she required oxygen. “Airlines implementing preventative measures? That’s like expecting your cat to apologize for knocking over your coffee.”
Southwest Airlines responded to the study by announcing they’ve already developed their own predictive algorithm called “Just F@#king Cancel It” which they plan to deploy at random intervals throughout the upcoming holiday season, particularly when your in-laws are visiting.
