# UNIVERSITY PROFESSORS SHOCKED TO LEARN STUDENTS WILL DO LITERALLY F@#KING ANYTHING TO AVOID ACTUAL WORK
UK universities are absolutely LOSING THEIR MINDS after discovering that—hold onto your mortarboards—students are using artificial intelligence to complete their assignments! In what experts describe as an “explosive increase,” approximately 92% of students are now letting thinking rectangles do their homework, up from just 53% last year.
LOCAL PROFESSOR FOUND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN CORNER OF FACULTY LOUNGE
“We’re absolutely gobsmacked,” said Professor Naïve McOblivious, who apparently just emerged from a 30-year hibernation under a rock. “We had no idea students would utilize widely available technology to minimize effort. This is unprecedented, except for calculators, spell-check, Wikipedia, online essay banks, and literally every other technological advancement in educational history.”
STUDENTS RESPOND WITH COMPLETE LACK OF REMORSE
When confronted, students displayed the emotional range of sociopaths discussing their weekend plans.
“Yeah, I use ChatGPT for everything,” admitted Chad Efficiency, a second-year business major. “Essays, problem sets, breakup texts to my girlfriend. Why would I waste precious drinking time doing work when silicon can do it for me? My parents are paying £9,000 a year for this degree, not for me to actually learn sh!t.”
UNIVERSITIES SCRAMBLE TO “STRESS-TEST” ASSESSMENTS, WHATEVER THE F@#K THAT MEANS
University administrators are now urgently “stress-testing” assessments, a process that reportedly involves professors sobbing quietly while repeatedly typing “How to tell if my student used AI” into Google.
“We’re implementing cutting-edge countermeasures,” explained Dr. Closing Barnworth, Dean of Futile Efforts at Cambridge. “Students will now be required to complete assignments while being watched through their webcams by underpaid graduate assistants. We’ve also considered requiring handwritten work, but unfortunately discovered most students can no longer form letters with pens.”
EXPERTS PREDICT ABSOLUTE ACADEMIC ARMAGEDDON
“Universities are basically f@#ked,” said educational researcher Dr. Captain Obvious. “Our studies show 99.7% of professors can’t tell the difference between student and AI writing, particularly since both are equally uninspired and grammatically suspect.”
His colleague, Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Educational Futility, agrees: “By 2026, approximately 103% of all academic content will be produced by AI, including research papers, doctoral theses, and increasingly desperate emails from department heads begging for more funding.”
EMPLOYERS SURPRISINGLY UNBOTHERED
Meanwhile, the job market seems surprisingly unconcerned about graduates whose knowledge consists entirely of knowing which buttons to press on ChatGPT.
“Honestly, we’re fine with it,” said corporate recruiter Sarah Bottomline. “Most entry-level positions just involve forwarding emails and looking busy during meetings. If anything, these students are over-prepared.”
According to a completely legitimate and not-at-all fabricated study, 78% of actual work tasks can now be accomplished by asking a digital thinking rectangle, “Hey can you do this for me? I’m supposed to make a PowerPoint about quarterly sales projections but I’m too busy looking at dog memes.”
HISTORIANS NOTE THIS IS FAR FROM THE FIRST ACADEMIC APOCALYPSE
“Students have been finding shortcuts since the invention of education,” noted historical analyst Tim Perspective. “In ancient Greece, wealthy students hired slaves to memorize Aristotle’s lectures. In medieval universities, monks complained about students using ‘cheat scrolls.’ The only difference now is that the cheating rectangle lives in your pocket and occasionally hallucinates facts about Napoleon.”
As universities frantically implement new academic integrity policies, 99% of students have already figured out seventeen different ways to circumvent them, proving once and for all that the only skill modern education truly develops is creative laziness.
