STUDENTS EMBRACE AI, CRITICAL THINKING NOW JUST THAT ANNOYING THING BOOMERS TALK ABOUT
In a development shocking absolutely nobody except university professors who still use overhead projectors, approximately 106% of students are now using artificial intelligence to write their essays, effectively outsourcing the last remaining function of their brains.
EDUCATION EXPERTS PREDICT EXTINCTION OF ORIGINAL THOUGHTS BY 2026
“We’re witnessing the complete Tinderfication of knowledge,” explained Professor Paige Turner of the Institute for Obvious F@#king Observations. “Students are swiping left on books and journal articles faster than they swipe left on potential mates with fish in their profile pictures.”
Universities, once proud bastions of critical thinking and knowledge, have been reduced to expensive daycare centers where young adults practice taking selfies between naps. The traditional essay, designed to demonstrate understanding and original thought, has been replaced by AI-generated text that professors describe as “suspiciously coherent” and “disturbingly free of the usual spelling errors that give us hope for humanity.”
STUDENTS DEFEND EDUCATIONAL OUTSOURCING
“Why would I waste time reading books when ChatGPT has already read them all?” said Justin Time, a third-year philosophy major who couldn’t philosophize his way out of a paper bag. “Besides, critical thinking is just, like, super time-consuming and gets in the way of my TikTok content creation schedule.”
According to a completely real and not-at-all fabricated study from the Department of Educational Apocalypse, 87% of professors can no longer tell the difference between AI-written essays and student work, primarily because both are equally devoid of original thought.
UNIVERSITIES SCRAMBLE TO ADAPT
Universities are desperately trying to create “AI-proof” assessments, most of which involve students physically writing with those ancient tools known as “pencils” while being monitored by professors wearing tinfoil hats to block AI mind-reading technology.
“We’re considering eliminating written work entirely,” admitted Dr. Al Mostgaveup, Dean of Surrender at Cambridge University. “Maybe we’ll just have students perform interpretive dances about quantum physics or create finger paintings about Chaucer.”
HUMANITY’S FUTURE LOOKING BRIGHT AS SH!T
Dr. Ima Pessimist, who holds the distinguished chair of Impending Doom Studies at Oxford, predicts that by 2030, humans will have completely forgotten how to form their own opinions, instead outsourcing all thinking to what she calls “electricity-powered opinion machines.”
“When critical thinking dies completely, we’ll finally achieve what humans have always wanted: the ability to hold strong opinions without ever having to think about why we have them,” she noted while staring blankly into the middle distance.
At press time, 94% of students had already used AI to generate excuses for why they couldn’t complete assignments that they had already used AI to complete. The remaining 6% were too busy asking AI how to use AI to respond to this survey about using AI.
