UK UNIVERSITIES SHOCKED TO DISCOVER STUDENTS WILL LITERALLY USE ANY F@#KING THING TO AVOID THINKING
LONDON – In what experts are calling “the least surprising news since we found out politicians lie,” thousands of UK university students have been caught cheating with AI tools instead of using their brain-holes for the purpose of education.
THE SHOCKING REVELATION THAT SHOCKED ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
A groundbreaking investigation has uncovered nearly 7,000 cases of students using ChatGPT and other digital thought-doers to complete assignments, a staggering increase of 218% from last year, which academic experts attribute to “students being lazy little sh!ts who would rather die than write their own essays.”
“We’re absolutely flabbergasted that students paying £9,250 a year would try to minimize effort while maximizing results,” said Professor Oblivious Twaddle of the University of Duh. “Next you’ll tell me they’re drinking alcohol and having casual sex.”
THE DEATH OF TRADITIONAL CHEATING HAS UNIVERSITIES NOSTALGIC
While AI-assisted cheating skyrockets, traditional forms of plagiarism have declined dramatically, leaving many professors reminiscing about the good old days when students at least had to put effort into their academic dishonesty.
“I miss when students would copy from Wikipedia and forget to change the font,” sighed Dr. Yearning Forpast, Dean of Academic Integrity at Oxford. “There was an art to it. Now they just ask a computer to write ‘Discuss the socioeconomic factors of the Industrial Revolution’ and submit whatever digital vomit it produces.”
STUDENTS DEFEND THEIR RIGHT TO BE ABSOLUTELY USELESS
When confronted, students defended their actions with surprisingly coherent arguments that were definitely not generated by asking ChatGPT “how do I justify being a lazy piece of sh!t?”
“We’re simply preparing for the real world where no one actually knows anything and everyone just Googles solutions to problems,” explained Tarquin Worthington-Smythe, a third-year philosophy student who hasn’t had an original thought since 2019. “Besides, 94% of employers don’t actually check if you’ve learned anything anyway.”
UNIVERSITIES IMPLEMENT CUTTING-EDGE DETECTION METHODS THAT DEFINITELY WON’T BE OBSOLETE IN THREE MONTHS
In response to the crisis, universities have invested millions in AI detection software that experts agree will be completely f@#king useless by next Tuesday.
“Our state-of-the-art detection system can identify AI writing with 62% accuracy, which is slightly better than flipping a coin while blindfolded and drunk,” boasted Chief Technology Officer at Imperial College, Dr. Wasted Budget.
THE SHOCKING ECONOMICS OF EDUCATIONAL INTEGRITY
According to a survey that we definitely didn’t make up, 78% of professors admitted they couldn’t tell the difference between AI-written essays and student work because “both are equally soulless and devoid of original thought.”
Meanwhile, a parallel investigation found that 100% of university administrators were more concerned about maintaining tuition revenue than addressing the fact that degrees are rapidly becoming as meaningful as Monopoly money.
“The real tragedy here is that these students are missing out on the authentic university experience of crying at 3 AM while trying to finish an essay they should have started weeks ago,” noted renowned educational psychologist Dr. Misses Thepoint.
In related news, 86% of employers have reported they don’t give a flying f@#k about degrees anymore and just want to know if candidates can operate a keyboard without having an existential crisis, suggesting these students might accidentally be preparing for the actual job market after all.
