ACCLAIMED ACTOR’S THROAT KIDNAPPED BY SILICON OVERLORDS; FRY POWERLESS TO STOP VOCAL HEIST AT HAY FESTIVAL
In what can only be described as the audio equivalent of cutting someone’s face off and wearing it as a mask, Stephen Fry’s voice has been captured, imprisoned, and forced to perform tricks for festival-goers like some sort of tragically sophisticated circus bear.
BOOTH OF HORRORS AWAITS UNSUSPECTING LITERARY TYPES
The Hay Festival, traditionally a place where people pretend to have read books they purchased solely for coffee table decoration, has taken a terrifying turn this year by introducing a soundproof booth where Fry’s digitally stolen vocal cords will coach visitors on voiceover techniques “until the experience takes an unexpected turn.”
“The unexpected turn is that you suddenly realize you’re complicit in the most intimate form of identity theft possible,” explains Dr. Sylvia Dystopia, author of “Oh Sh!t, We’re Actually Doing This Now?” “It’s like finding out the nice old lady teaching you to bake cookies is actually wearing someone else’s skin.”
ACTOR SEEMS STRANGELY OKAY WITH HIS AUDIO DOPPELGÄNGER
Fry, who has previously spoken about artificial intelligence with the cautious optimism of someone petting a tiger cub while wearing meat-scented cologne, called the installation something that “reveals both the wonders and pitfalls of AI.”
“The real pitfall being that 94.7% of festival attendees will walk away genuinely believing they had an authentic interaction with Stephen Fry,” says Professor Hugh Manity of the Institute for Things We Shouldn’t F@#king Do. “The next logical step is obviously replacing all celebrities with their digital clones while the real ones are kept in underground pods for yearly DNA harvesting.”
VISITORS EAGER TO PARTICIPATE IN VOICE THEFT
Early registration for the booth experience has reportedly “broken the f@#king internet” at the festival’s website, with thousands clamoring for the chance to be verbally caressed by Fry’s disembodied voice particles.
“I can’t wait to have my voice coaching session with definitely-not-Stephen Fry,” gushed environmental consultant and part-time hypocrite Amelia Worthington-Smythe, 32. “I’m sure the ‘unexpected turn’ won’t be deeply existentially troubling or make me question the nature of consciousness and identity!”
HAY FESTIVAL DEFENDS DECISION TO PLAY GOD
Festival organizers defended the installation, insisting it’s “thought-provoking art” rather than “a horrifying glimpse into a future where human uniqueness is digitally commodified and sold back to us as entertainment.”
“Look, it’s just a bit of fun,” claimed festival director Penny Wordsmith while nervously adjusting what appeared to be a human skin suit. “Besides, 78% of our attendees can’t tell the difference between Stephen Fry and a bag of particularly erudite potatoes anyway.”
At press time, sources confirmed the AI version of Fry was already working on its autobiography titled “I, Too, Am Stephen: How I Replaced My Human Original And Why You’ll Thank Me For It.”
