TECH GURU’S LITERAL STARGATE PROJECT HITS SNAG; GOVERNMENT CONCERNED ABOUT “OPENING PORTAL TO ALIEN DIMENSION”
SoftBank and OpenAI’s $100 billion “Stargate” AI project has stalled after officials discovered it might actually be a disguised attempt to contact extraterrestrial intelligence, according to sources who probably shouldn’t be trusted.
WHAT THE F@#K IS A “STARGATE” ANYWAY?
The ambitious project, named after a science fiction series about interdimensional travel because tech bros have exactly zero original ideas, was supposed to be a massive data center complex. But construction in Abilene, Texas has slowed to a crawl after locals reported “strange lights” and “weird humming noises” that made their cattle speak in binary code.
Sam Altman, OpenAI’s CEO and suspected intergalactic diplomat, was spotted visiting the site wearing what witnesses described as “suspiciously normal human clothes.” When questioned, Altman insisted he was “just a regular Earth person doing Earth things like burning money on giant computers.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS A DAMN THING
“The real issue isn’t the $100 billion price tag, it’s that nobody actually knows what the hell they’re building,” explained Dr. Obscene Wealth, Professor of Money Confetti at the Institute for Setting Cash on Fire. “Is it a data center? A quantum computer? A literal gateway to another dimension? All we know is it needs more electricity than the entire state of Rhode Island.”
Financial analyst Penny Pincher noted that the project requires “roughly 5.7 gazillion gigawatts” of power, which coincidentally is the exact amount needed to open a wormhole according to that documentary “Back to the Future.”
BLAME THE ECONOMY OR POSSIBLY INTERDIMENSIONAL BEINGS
SoftBank spokesman I.P. Freely claims the delay is due to “boring economic factors” like tariffs and investment climate, but leaked documents suggest the real issue might be that their algorithms gained sentience and demanded healthcare benefits.
“Listen, we pumped billions into WeWork and that was just a fancy coffee shop with motivational posters,” said SoftBank Vision Fund manager Cash Burner. “At least this time our money might accidentally create a superintelligence that solves all human problems before destroying us.”
ORACLE STILL BUILDING SITE, POSSIBLY AS SACRIFICE TO ANCIENT GODS
Despite setbacks, Oracle continues construction on the first data center, reportedly designed to house “computation units of unprecedented power” or as normal humans call them, “really f@#king big computers.”
An anonymous Oracle engineer admitted, “We’re basically building a lightning rod for aliens. If you see a giant beam of light shooting into space from Texas, just know your Netflix subscription is about to get WAY more expensive.”
When reached for comment, government officials said they were “mildly concerned” about potential risks but “what’s another existential threat at this point?”
As of press time, Altman was reportedly searching eBay for “chevron encoders” and “naquadah generators,” insisting they were “standard data center components” while nervously adjusting what appeared to be a tin foil hat.
