Trump Declares $500 Billion ‘Stargate’ AI Project Will Open Portals to a ‘Brighter, Yuge Future’—And Maybe Alien Interns
In yet another turn of events that somehow both shocks and confounds no one, Donald Trump has announced a new $500 billion initiative to build what he grandly dubbed “the Stargate of Artificial Intelligence” in partnership with OpenAI, Oracle, and SoftBank. The project, which sounds suspiciously like the plot of every third-tier sci-fi movie ever, is aimed at creating a network of sparkly data centers across the United States, presumably because regular ones just aren’t fabulous enough.
“This is HUGE!” Trump bellowed during the press conference, gesturing wildly like he was trying to land a 747 with semaphore techniques. “We’re building the biggest and the best AI infrastructure in history—some are saying the best in the galaxy. Elon Musk called me crying last night. He’s jealous, folks. Sad!”
The Stargate initiative is expected to generate over 100,000 American jobs “almost immediately,” according to Trump, though details on how these jobs will materialize remain murky. His plan seems to involve an intricate mix of optimism, patriotic fervor, and what industry analysts are labeling “aspirational exaggeration.”
“Just think about it,” he explained. “Data centers the size of the Trump Tower in every state. They’ll be beautiful, huge, and filled with computers smarter than the fake news media—and definitely smarter than Sleepy Joe!” He added with a wink, “But don’t worry, folks—the computers will be trained to love me.”
Experts, however, are baffled by the collaboration. “It’s like putting a shark, an octopus, and a hammer in the same fish tank and telling them to write poetry,” said Dr. Linda Brokers, a technology analyst who described herself as “not drunk enough for this press release.” OpenAI brings the brain behind ChatGPT; Oracle contributes its corporate cloud prowess; and SoftBank—well, they’re mostly here to see what the hell happens, like someone who bought popcorn for a dumpster fire.
Even Twitter’s recently reinstated CEO, Elon Musk, chimed in on the partnership, tweeting, “$500B for data centers? Pfft. I’ll build neural networks on Mars using SpaceX rocket exhaust and my leftover Tesla batteries.” He then tweeted three flame emojis, a picture of a goat, and the phrase “watch this space,” presumably while juggling his 47 other crises.
Stargate’s mission, beyond the nebulous goal of boosting AI development, remains ambiguous. When asked what exactly the project will do, Trump provided a characteristically vague yet enthusiastic answer: “It’s gonna open portals, people! Big beautiful portals to knowledge—and, who knows, maybe Mars, maybe something even farther. Could we use AI to talk to aliens? I don’t know, but they would be lucky—lucky!—to meet me.”
Critics, however, are concerned about the lack of, well, literally *any* specifics. “Based on his description,” said Professor Janine Carter of MIT, “this sounds more like someone misinterpreted a Stargate SG-1 DVD box set as a government manual.” Still, Carter conceded one point: “If anyone could convince aliens not to invade Earth, it’s probably Trump. He has a way of confusing people—or beings—into total submission.”
Not to be outdone by evidence or reason, Trump added: “I’ll be naming the first data center after myself—it’s only fair. Trump-a-tron 5000. Sounds good, right? The other centers, we’ll see—maybe I’ll let Ivanka or Barron have one. Jared doesn’t get anything; he’s into NFTs, folks. Not real data. Sad!”
With construction rumored to begin as soon as someone finds shovels—or figures out what exactly they’re building—the Stargate AI initiative promises to usher in a new era of innovation, American job creation, and potentially interstellar misunderstandings.
“We’re making America great…again,” Trump concluded, again. “And if it takes a 500-billion-dollar laser-portal-computer-thingy to do it, then so be it.”
History will surely remember this endeavor for generations to come—or until alien interns unionize for better working conditions in 2030.
