DATABASES JUST DIVORCED: SQL FOUND SOBBING IN BAR AS NOSQL STEALS ITS GIRLFRIEND, DIGNITY, AND CAREER
In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the world of people who actually give a sh!t about database management systems, SQL has plummeted to its lowest popularity rating since nerds started keeping track of such things. The once-proud language was spotted Thursday night drinking alone at a dive bar, mumbling incoherently about “relationships” and “foreign keys.”
STRUCTURED QUERY LANGUAGE NOW JUST CRYING IN THE SHOWER
SQL, the decades-old backbone of data manipulation that your company’s 57-year-old database administrator refuses to stop talking about, has fallen to unprecedented depths of unpopularity as tech professionals flock to NoSQL alternatives like teenage girls abandoning last year’s TikTok dance.
“I’ve been structuring queries since before these NoSQL punks were even a twinkle in their developers’ eyes,” slurred SQL, ordering its fifth straight shot of metadata. “Thirty f@#king years I gave this industry, and for what? To be replaced by some unstructured pretty boy who can’t even maintain referential integrity?”
EXPERTS SHOCKED, EXCEPT FOR ALL THE ONES WHO PREDICTED THIS EXACT THING
Dr. Obvious Trend, Chief Technology Forecaster at We Saw This Coming Institute, expressed what he called “mild surprise” at SQL’s rapid decline.
“Who could have possibly imagined that the database language invented when computers were the size of small apartments might eventually lose relevance?” said Trend, somehow keeping a straight face. “Truly shocking that professionals working with cutting-edge AI would prefer flexible data models over rigid schemas designed during the Reagan administration.”
NOSQL SEEN FLAUNTING NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH MACHINE LEARNING
Meanwhile, NoSQL databases have been spotted around town with the sexiest technologies in the business, shamelessly flirting with machine learning models and feeding them unstructured data late into the night.
According to a completely fabricated study by the Institute for Making Sh!t Up, 87% of AI developers now prefer NoSQL databases, with the remaining 13% being “stubborn old bastards who still use Fortran and think the cloud is just weather.”
INDUSTRY VETERANS NOSTALGIC, CONFUSED, MOSTLY JUST TIRED
Bill “Tables” Johnson, who has been writing SQL queries since 1992, expressed mixed emotions about the language’s decline.
“These kids today with their document stores and their key-value pairs,” Johnson muttered while reflexively normalizing a table on a napkin. “In my day, we had ACID compliance and we LIKED IT. What’s wrong with spending six months designing a schema before writing a single line of code? It builds character!”
AT PRESS TIME: COBOL REPORTEDLY LAUGHING ITS ASS OFF
As SQL continued its public meltdown, the ancient programming language COBOL was reportedly enjoying a quiet Renaissance, still running 95% of the world’s financial systems and laughing all the way to the banks it literally controls.
“Call me when your NoSQL can process 30 billion financial transactions daily without breaking a sweat,” said COBOL from its comfortable retirement home in a mainframe somewhere in New Jersey. “These youngsters think they’re hot sh!t until their mortgage payment disappears into the void.”
In related news, 43% of companies that migrated to NoSQL last year are reportedly now migrating back to SQL after discovering that sometimes, just sometimes, data relationships actually f@#king matter.
