UNCLE SAM SLIPS SPY TOYS INTO COMPUTER BOXES, PRETENDS TO BE SHOCKED WHEN CHINA FINDS THEM
In a move straight out of a divorced dad’s playbook, US officials have been secretly stashing tracking devices in tech shipments to keep tabs on their precious AI chips after they leave home, reportedly sobbing “They grow up so fast!” as the boxes are loaded onto cargo ships.
GOVERNMENT ADMITS TO TECHNOLOGICAL STALKING
According to sources who definitely aren’t just three raccoons in a trenchcoat, the US government has been slipping tiny trackers into packages and servers from Dell and Super Micro like a jealous boyfriend planting AirTags in his girlfriend’s purse. The covert operation aims to catch American-made AI chips that try to sneak off to China against export restrictions, because apparently semiconductors now need passports and travel visas.
“We’ve implemented a sophisticated geolocation system,” explained Dr. Peeping Thomas, head of the newly formed Department of Where The F@#k Are Our Chips Going. “It’s basically the same technology your mom uses to make sure you actually went to school and not the mall, but for $50,000 computer parts.”
CHINA RESPONDS WITH SHOCKING SURPRISE
Chinese officials expressed absolute shock and disbelief at the discovery, with Foreign Ministry spokesperson Lyin’ McFibface stating, “We are DEEPLY concerned about this invasion of privacy,” while simultaneously removing 147 tracking devices from a single Dell server with tweezers.
“This is outrageous! We had absolutely NO idea these chips were even coming here,” continued McFibface, standing in front of a warehouse containing enough smuggled NVIDIA processors to calculate the exact number of grains of sand on every beach in the universe.
TECH INDUSTRY CAUGHT WITH PANTS DOWN
Industry analysts estimate that approximately 87.3% of restricted AI chips somehow end up in China despite export controls, a statistic we completely made up but sounds entirely plausible given the circumstances.
Super Micro CEO Al Gorithm claims the company had “absolutely no knowledge” of the tracking devices, then immediately began checking his own office chair for bugs while wearing a tinfoil hat fashioned from server cooling components.
Meanwhile, Dell spokesperson Sharon D’Secrets told reporters, “We’re just as surprised as you are,” through a suspicious earpiece that kept receiving static and what sounded like someone whispering “tell them we knew nothing.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE ABSOLUTE SH!TSHOW
“This is basic geopolitical strategy,” explains Professor Obvious Observation from the Institute of International Affairs and Pointing Out Things Everyone Already Knows. “If you don’t want China to have advanced AI chips, maybe don’t manufacture them in a global supply chain where they inevitably leak faster than government classified documents on an unsecured server.”
International relations expert Dr. Idon Tcare adds, “At this point, they might as well just load the chips onto a drone with a big sign reading ‘NOT FOR CHINA’ and act surprised when it lands in Beijing.”
According to industry surveys, approximately 94% of computer engineers can identify a government tracking device in less time than it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket, rendering the entire operation about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.
As the technology cold war escalates, both nations continue their sophisticated dance of pretending not to know what the other is doing while absolutely knowing what the other is doing, leaving the rest of us wondering if our toaster is now a national security threat. At press time, US officials were reportedly developing next-generation trackers disguised as fortune cookie messages reading “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single unauthorized chip transfer.”
