ROBOT ROCK STARS FOOL MILLIONS: SPOTIFY WELCOMES OUR NEW COMPUTER OVERLORD MUSICIANS, HUMANS “TOO EMOTIONAL” TO COMPETE
A completely fabricated band with the suspiciously perfect indie name “The Velvet Sundown” has amassed nearly half a million monthly listeners on Spotify despite being nothing more than a f@#king computer program with a guitar tuning algorithm.
HUMANITY’S LAST STAND: ACTUAL INSTRUMENTS
The “band,” which absolutely no one has ever seen perform live because they exist solely as binary code in some tech bro’s basement, released their hit song “Dust on the Wind” last month. The track bears a striking resemblance to Kansas’ 1977 hit “Dust in the Wind,” because apparently even AI is too lazy to come up with original titles and just moves prepositions around.
“It’s the perfect crime,” explained Dr. Sylvia Sellout, Head of Human Replacement Studies at the Institute for Digital Dominance. “The algorithm creates music that’s just mediocre enough to be popular but not good enough to make anyone ask questions. It’s like musical beige.”
SPOTIFY’S NEW SLOGAN: “WHO NEEDS LABELS WHEN YOU HAVE CONFUSION?”
Spotify, the streaming giant worth billions, has heroically decided that labeling AI-generated music as, you know, NOT MADE BY HUMANS, would be too much work for their poor little servers. Their official statement, delivered via carrier pigeon to avoid digital traces, simply read: “¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
Industry analyst Buck Passingthon told our reporters, “Spotify executives believe that distinguishing between human and artificial artists would cut into their critical business of *checks notes* paying actual musicians fractions of pennies per stream.”
THE PUBLIC REMAINS BLISSFULLY STUPID
A shocking survey conducted exclusively in our writer’s imagination found that 87% of listeners “couldn’t give two sh!ts” whether their music comes from tortured human souls or electricity-guzzling data centers in Nevada.
“I just think it’s neat that my favorite new band doesn’t require food, sleep, or creative fulfillment,” said Tiffany Oblivious, 24, while wearing a Velvet Sundown t-shirt she bought from a website that also doesn’t exist. “Plus, they’ll never overdose or say problematic things on Twitter!”
REAL MUSICIANS REACT BY GETTING ACTUAL JOBS
Meanwhile, human musicians are reportedly looking into more stable career options like “medieval blacksmithing” and “typewriter repair.”
“I spent 20 years learning my craft, touring in a van, pouring my soul into lyrics, and this pile of code gets half a million listeners by ripping off Kansas?” said Jimmy Realfinger, frontman of an actual band that no one has heard of. “Maybe I should just record myself crying into a microphone and let an algorithm do the rest.”
THE FUTURE LOOKS ARTIFICIALLY BRIGHT
Tech expert Professor Ima Doomed predicts that by 2026, approximately 78% of all chart-topping artists will be computer programs, 15% will be holograms of dead musicians, and the remaining 7% will be Post Malone.
“The beautiful thing about AI musicians is they don’t demand royalties, creative control, or respect,” Doomed explained while staring vacantly into the middle distance. “They’re the perfect artist for our late-capitalist hellscape.”
At press time, The Velvet Sundown was reportedly in talks to headline Coachella 2025, where they’ll appear as a series of blinking lights while audiences pretend to recognize songs they’ve only heard as background music in TikTok videos.
