SPOTIFY GRAVE-ROBS DEAD MUSICIANS, FORCES THEM TO SING FROM BEYOND THE VEIL
Soulless Music Platform Creates “Hellscape Karaoke” Where the Dead Never Rest
BY: Sarcasm McSnark, Chief Necromancy Correspondent
In what experts are calling “the most f@#ked up music industry development since autotune,” Spotify has launched a new initiative to ensure dead musicians never actually stop making money for the streaming giant.
The company has begun publishing AI-generated songs using the identities of deceased artists, apparently deciding that “death” is just a minor career inconvenience that shouldn’t stop the content flow.
WHY LET ARTISTS REST IN PEACE WHEN THEY COULD BE MAKING YOU MONEY?
Country singer Blake Foley, who was murdered in 1989, recently “released” a new track called “Together” despite having been decomposing for 35 years. The AI-generated song appeared on his official Spotify page alongside an image of a blonde young man who looks nothing like Foley, because apparently desecrating someone’s musical legacy wasn’t enough; they had to give him a post-mortem makeover too.
“This is basically musical grave robbing,” said Dr. Ethica L. Standards, Professor of Digital Necromancy at MIT. “Spotify is essentially digging up corpses, putting puppets in their mouths, and making them dance for loose change.”
The tracks were linked to a company called Syntax Error, which industry insiders confirm is the most accidentally honest corporate name since Facebook changed to Meta, short for “We’re metastasizing like cancer.”
FAMILIES OF DEAD ARTISTS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER LOVED ONES WORKING AGAIN
When reached for comment, relatives of deceased musicians expressed everything from outrage to confusion to wondering if their loved ones qualify for posthumous healthcare benefits now that they’re apparently employed again.
“I visited my uncle’s grave yesterday and it was undisturbed, so I’m having trouble understanding how he recorded a new single,” said Martha Jenkins, niece of a jazz musician whose likeness was used without permission. “Unless Spotify has a f@#king Ouija board department I wasn’t aware of?”
A Spotify spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous told us, “Look, we pay living artists almost nothing, so dead ones should be grateful for anything they get. Plus, they can’t complain about royalty rates on Twitter! It’s a win-win!”
EXPERTS PREDICT DYSTOPIAN MUSICAL FUTURE
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Predicting Obviously Terrible Ideas, 87% of future music will be created by AI impersonating dead people by 2030, 64% of new artists will be entirely fictional, and 100% of Spotify executives will be soulless husks who sold their humanity for a 0.2% quarterly growth increase.
“Why stop at just making new songs?” asked renowned futurist Cassandra Obviousworth. “Soon we’ll have AI Elvis doing duets with AI Whitney Houston covering AI Kurt Cobain songs while AI Tupac raps over the bridge. We’re basically one software update away from ‘The Day The Music Actually Died: The Sequel.'”
COMING SOON: SPOTIFY’S NEW “NEVER-DIE” SUBSCRIPTION TIER
Industry insiders reveal Spotify is developing a premium service where, for $19.99 a month, subscribers can ensure their own musical identity will be posthumously exploited after they die.
“It’s like a digital will, except instead of respecting your final wishes, we completely ignore them and use your artistic identity however we want,” said fictional Spotify product manager Chad Greedlove. “We’re calling it ‘Spotify Afterlife’ because ‘Shameless Corpse Puppeteering’ didn’t test well with focus groups.”
At press time, Spotify was reportedly developing technology to reanimate the actual corpses of musicians to perform on live streams, with company executives saying, “If we’re already p!ssing on their graves, might as well go all the way.”
