Southport Killer To Be Treated As Terrorist In Jail; Meanwhile, TikTok Algorithm Remains Society’s Real Puppet Master

In a groundbreaking move to redefine the criminal justice system as a branch of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, UK Home Secretary Yvette Cooper announced that the Southport killer will now officially be treated as a terrorist in prison. That’s right—because apparently, you’re not truly evil in Britain unless you have your very own “terrorist” stamp for the government’s filing cabinet.

“I think we can all agree that labeling this individual as simply a murderer wasn’t dramatic enough for the tabloids,” Cooper explained to MPs, subtly adjusting her Serious Government Face™. “The public wanted a villain, and damn it, we’re going to give them one. Terrorist it is.”

Of course, the inquiry into the case will also ambitiously explore every societal issue under the sun, from youth violence to social media algorithms… because nothing says “efficient governance” quite like lumping TikTok trends, political corruption, and knife crime into a single Excel spreadsheet. Home Secretary Cooper reassured MPs that “no stone will be left unturned”—not even Facebook’s infinite cache of minion memes.

Keir Starmer, the Labour leader whose go-to pose is holding a cup of tea and looking concerned, chimed in with his signature gravitas: “There will be nothing off the table in this inquiry. Absolutely nothing. Except, of course, systemic accountability, meaningful reform, or, God forbid, banning private jets for our mates. But apart from that? Everything’s fair game.”

Starmer also took the opportunity to highlight society’s most undervalued skill: watching angry YouTube rants and then acting shocked when violence ensues. “You can’t tell me,” he fumed, completely ignoring his own internet search history, “that the kind of content this individual viewed before committing these murders should be one click away. One moment you’re watching kittens tumbling down stairs; the next you’re in a rabbit hole of videos titled *‘Ten Edgy Ways to Upset the Government.’* This is appalling.”

Questions about the “tidal wave” of online violence immediately prompted viral videos of MPs struggling to log into their own emails. “What’s a TikTok?” one MP was heard whispering frantically to an aide after Starmer’s speech. “Is it like a Tamagotchi but aggressive?”

In the wider inquiry, the government will bravely tackle “youth violence”—presumably by throwing around phrases like “the Nintendo Generation” and proposing apps that teach kids to build respect for lawn furniture, if previous reports are any indicator. But many are skeptical. “It’s hard to trust a system that acts shocked every time these tragedies happen, like they’ve just discovered gravity exists,” said Darren Jones, a fictional spokesperson for Common Sense That Will Never Be Followed™.

Cooper earnestly added that accountability will play a major role—though naturally, this will only be applied to low-level cogs in the bureaucratic machine, never the higher-ups. “Accountability always sounds better when it’s directed at someone else,” said one anonymous political insider, who was seen Googling “how to disable inquiry pop-ups” during the session.

Meanwhile, experts warn that banning violent content from the internet will have the same success rate as “stopping the tide with a garden hose.” Social media platforms, quick to respond, issued their standard statement: “We deeply regret the harmful content on our site; please note it takes three to five working decades to remove anything. Thanks for your patience.”

The inquiry promises bold conclusions after months of redundant discussions, public confusion, and exactly zero structural reforms. Critics worry the focus on individual tragedies misses the bigger problem: a society that thrives on profit-driven outrage, distracts itself with bureaucratic taglines, and can’t even decide whether Keir Starmer looks better with or without his tie clip.

As the session adjourned, mutterings of “deeper inquiries” filled the air. A Whitehall insider joked, “Hey, maybe we can survive another six months by announcing a Netflix series about the committee itself. People love a good procedural drama. We could call it *MPs in Peril: The Knife Crime Chronicles.*”

Tragic villains, supervillain labels, and hashtags incoming. Society, you remain undefeated.