SOUTH PARK CREATORS REVEALED TO BE TIME-TRAVELING PROPHETS WHO JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN
In a shocking turn of events that has historians, theologians, and stoners alike questioning reality, Comedy Central executives have confirmed what many have long suspected: South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are actually ancient oracles who’ve been using crude animation and fart jokes as a vehicle for their terrifyingly accurate prophecies.
PROPHETS OR JUST REALLY LUCKY ASSH*LES?
As South Park’s 27th season rakes in record ratings while skewering everything from Trump’s “martial takeover” to ICE raids and tech bros, experts are beginning to wonder if the show’s creators have access to information the rest of us don’t.
“There’s simply no f@#king way two guys who spent their formative years dropping acid and making construction paper cutouts could be this consistently accurate about America’s downfall unless they had some kind of supernatural foresight,” explained Dr. Cassandra Obvious, Professor of Prophetic Studies at the University of Colorado. “We’re talking about a show that predicted the 2020 pandemic with their ‘SARS’ episode in 2003. That’s not coincidence; that’s witchcraft.”
HOMELAND SECURITY INVESTIGATES POSSIBLE TIME-TRAVEL TECHNOLOGY
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, recently portrayed on South Park as a puppy-murdering cosmetic surgery addict, has launched an investigation into whether Stone and Parker possess prohibited time-travel technology.
“They’ve clearly been to the future and back,” Noem said while stroking what appeared to be a taxidermied Labrador puppy. “No one could have known about my private collection of dog souls unless they’d seen my 2026 memoir ‘Yes, I Killed Them All: A Patriot’s Guide to Pet Population Control.'”
TECH BROS FURIOUS THAT CARTOON DOES BETTER AI PREDICTIONS THAN THEIR BILLION-DOLLAR LABS
Silicon Valley executives are reportedly “sh!tting digital bricks” after South Park’s recent episodes about AI turned out to be more accurate than their own internal research documents.
“We spent $8.2 billion on predictive modeling, and these two dips#!ts with a animation studio nailed it by basically saying ‘AI will probably be really stupid then suddenly kill us all,'” lamented Chad Moneybags, CEO of AlgorithmCorp. “Our shareholders are questioning why they’re investing in us when they could just watch Comedy Central and get better investment advice.”
TRUMP DEMANDS SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE HOW SHOW KNEW ABOUT HIS SECRET “MARTIAL TAKEOVER” PLANS
Former President Donald Trump has filed emergency motions demanding to know how South Park obtained classified documents detailing his “completely hypothetical and definitely not real” plans for martial law.
“These South Park people, very bad people, possibly the worst, they’re saying things about me that nobody could know unless they were spying,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “Nobody knew about Operation American Freedom Eagle Liberty Takeover except me and my pillow guy. WITCH HUNT!”
VIEWERS REPORT EXISTENTIAL CRISES AFTER WATCHING NEW EPISODES
An estimated 97.4% of South Park viewers now report experiencing severe existential crises after realizing the show’s creators have been warning us about our dystopian future through the medium of animated fourth-graders saying “butthole” for nearly three decades.
“I went back and watched the Al Gore ‘ManBearPig’ episodes from 2006, which they later admitted was wrong because climate change is real, and now I’m terrified,” admitted longtime viewer Jerry Paranoid. “What if everything else they’ve joked about comes true too? Are we actually living in a simulation run by crab people? Holy sh!t.”
At press time, Comedy Central executives were reportedly offering Stone and Parker an unprecedented $500 million contract extension with the unusual clause that they “please, for the love of God, tell us who wins the 2028 election so we can move our money accordingly.”
