DESPERATE GRADS TURN TO SELLING KIDNEYS AS AI STEALS ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS; “MY REMAINING ORGAN SHOULD LAST UNTIL MY LOANS ARE PAID OFF”
In what experts are calling “the most f@#ked job market since the Black Death created a labor shortage,” UK university graduates are discovering their expensive degrees are worth approximately the same as toilet paper made from their actual diplomas.
ROBOTS TAKING JOBS, STUDENTS TAKING SHOTS
According to a report from job-search platform Indeed, graduate job listings have plummeted 33% compared to last year, reaching a seven-year low that has career counselors nationwide updating their résumés to “professional shoulder to cry on.”
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of desperation,” explains Dr. Paige Turner, head of Employment Studies at the University of Obvious Facts. “About 87% of graduates have resorted to listing ‘can perform tasks an algorithm can’t’ on their CVs, which basically means ‘capable of using bathroom unsupervised’ at this point.”
THE RISE OF THE MACHINES, THE FALL OF HUMAN DIGNITY
As artificially intelligent hiring systems reject graduates faster than freshmen at an exclusive frat party, many students have resorted to extreme measures to appear more machine-like.
“I’ve been practicing speaking in a monotone voice and pretending I don’t need lunch breaks,” said Emily Wentworth, 22, who spent £50,000 on a business degree only to find businesses no longer interested in humans who expect payment. “Yesterday I convinced my roommate I was actually ChatGPT-5 attempting to infiltrate society. Got three interviews immediately.”
EMPLOYERS: “WHY PAY HUMANS WHEN ELECTRICITY IS CHEAPER?”
Corporate recruiters now openly admit their preference for digital labor over the human variety. “Look, graduates want things like ‘living wages’ and ‘mental health days,'” explained Trevor Bottomline, hiring manager at MegaCorp Industries. “Meanwhile, our new AI assistant only occasionally hallucinates facts and has never once asked about parental leave.”
According to completely made-up statistics that feel true, approximately 89% of entry-level positions previously filled by graduates are now handled by algorithms that don’t require healthcare, bathroom breaks, or motivation to continue existing.
UNIVERSITIES PIVOT TO NEW REALITY
In response to the crisis, universities across the UK are updating their curriculum to better prepare students for the new job market.
“We’ve introduced exciting new courses like ‘Advanced Homelessness 101’ and ‘Introduction to Explaining Your Degree to Disappointed Parents,'” said Professor Warren Worthless of Cambridge University. “Our most popular new offering is ‘The Gig Economy: Turning Your Car Into Both Transportation AND Housing.'”
The University of Manchester has gone further by offering a new degree in “Professional AI Avoidance,” which teaches students to appear more valuable than machines by mastering skills like “looking busy,” “nodding thoughtfully in meetings,” and “bringing donuts to the office.”
INNOVATIVE SOLUTIONS TO MODERN PROBLEMS
Some enterprising graduates have found creative workarounds to the crisis. James Hopeful, a 2025 graduate with £60,000 in student debt, has started a business creating fake AI platforms that are actually just him working in his parents’ basement.
“I marketed myself as ‘HumanGPT’ and now I have twelve clients who think they’re using cutting-edge AI,” Hopeful explained. “They’re actually just texting me questions while I Google the answers. Still pays better than any graduate scheme I could find.”
Meanwhile, career counselors are advising students to emphasize their most human qualities. “We’re telling graduates to really highlight that they can use bathrooms independently and won’t accidentally reveal trade secrets to competitors,” said career advisor Polly Unemployable. “It’s not much, but it’s something these silicon-based answer machines can’t offer yet.”
As the crisis deepens, a record 94% of current university students report questioning their life choices, with approximately 72% considering dropping out to become TikTok influencers instead, because “at least robots can’t dance this badly yet.”
In related news, three universities have begun offering emergency courses in “How to Appear More Machine-Like in Interviews” and “Basic Organ Harvesting for Student Loan Repayment.”
