TECH BILLIONAIRES HARNESS THE SUN’S RAYS TO MAKE YOUR AUNT’S CONSPIRACY THEORIES LOAD FASTER
Meta announces plans to collect 100MW of solar power using exclusively American-made equipment, proving that even the sun itself can be patriotically exploited to power the algorithms that convinced your uncle the moon landing was filmed in Stanley Kubrick’s basement.
SOLAR PANELS TO WORK OVERTIME POWERING NEW BUILDING FULL OF HUMMING BOXES THAT DECIDE WHAT YOU THINK
The Facebook parent company revealed yesterday that it needs the additional energy to fuel its new South Carolina data center, which will house thousands of machines working tirelessly to determine whether your vacation photos contain too much cleavage while simultaneously teaching chat programs to write your child’s homework.
“This is a tremendous step forward for sustainability,” said Meta’s Chief Ecological Fantasist, Polly Anna Greenwash. “By 2026, we’ll have successfully convinced everyone we’re saving the planet while actually just building bigger buildings to house more computers that tell you what to buy.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO SKEPTICISM WHATSOEVER
“What Meta is doing is revolutionary,” explains Dr. Solar McSunshine, author of the bestselling book “Just Trust Me, I’m Wearing a Lab Coat.” “They’re essentially creating a facility that consumes the energy equivalent of a small city just so their content moderation algorithms can instantly recognize and remove dangerous misinformation like ‘vegetables are healthy’ while permitting helpful posts like ‘Have you tried injecting bleach?'”
Professor Imma Scientist, who definitely isn’t on Meta’s payroll, added, “The beauty is that they can now claim to be ‘carbon neutral’ while building what is essentially a small nuclear reactor’s worth of computing power devoted to figuring out which targeted ads will make you feel the most insecure.”
SOUTH CAROLINA LOCALS THRILLED TO HAVE GIANT HUMMING BOX FARM NEXT DOOR
Residents of the yet-unnamed South Carolina location are reportedly ecstatic about hosting a facility that will consume enough electricity to power approximately 75,000 homes, all so the company can train its artificial intelligence to better recognize when you’re feeling vulnerable enough to buy diet pills.
“We’re just so d@mn excited to have our power grid potentially destabilized so a trillion-dollar company can better analyze our browsing habits,” said absolutely no one we actually spoke to.
LOCAL POWER GRID PREPARES FOR THREESOME WITH TECH GIANT AND CELESTIAL BODY
The local utility company has been frantically reinforcing infrastructure to handle Meta’s massive energy needs, with one anonymous engineer describing the preparation as “like getting ready to plug a toaster into a potato.”
According to entirely made-up statistics, the new data center will require enough cooling water to fill 387 Olympic swimming pools annually, or roughly the amount of tears shed by Instagram users comparing themselves to filtered, AI-enhanced images of influencers.
“The solar initiative will offset approximately 37% of the facility’s total energy needs,” explained Chief Technical Officer Dr. Num B. Ersmaster. “The remaining 63% will be powered by the burning rage of users trying to navigate our constantly changing privacy settings.”
At press time, Meta was considering additional renewable energy sources, including harnessing the kinetic energy generated by Mark Zuckerberg’s blinking mechanism and the hot air produced during congressional testimony.
