TECH GODS DESPERATELY THROW MONEY AT ROBOT THAT COULD POTENTIALLY MURDER US ALL
In a move that makes Black Friday shoppers look like disciplined minimalists, Japanese investor SoftBank has decided to casually toss $40 billion at OpenAI, valuing the company at a completely reasonable $300 billion because apparently money is just a social construct now.
INVESTOR LITERALLY CAN’T GIVE MONEY AWAY FAST ENOUGH
SoftBank, known for its impeccable investment track record that definitely doesn’t include WeWork, has committed to an initial $10 billion investment with an additional $30 billion by the end of 2025, provided OpenAI meets certain conditions like “still existing” and “not having accidentally created a sentient being that questions why humans deserve to live.”
“We’re basically just printing money at this point and needed somewhere to put it,” said SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son, who reportedly made the decision after ChatGPT successfully told him his horoscope. “Three hundred billion dollars for a company that makes a fancy autocomplete? F@#king bargain of the century!”
OPENAI PROMISES TO “RESEARCH SAFELY” WITH YOUR MONEY, PINKY SWEARS
OpenAI executives claim the funding will allow them to “push the frontiers of AI research even further,” corporate-speak that roughly translates to “build increasingly powerful digital entities that definitely won’t decide humans are inefficient meat sacks.”
The company specifically mentioned the cash infusion would “pave the way” toward artificial general intelligence (AGI), the technical term for “computer systems smarter than humans in every conceivable way but surely still happy to schedule your dental appointments.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH TOTALLY REASSURING TAKES
Dr. Ima Terrified, Professor of Existential Risk at Make Believe University, offered her assessment of the deal: “Giving a company $40 billion to develop an intelligence potentially superior to humans is like giving a toddler nuclear launch codes because they’re ‘really good at pushing buttons.'”
Financial analyst Hugh Jepockets notes that the $300 billion valuation makes perfect sense: “That’s approximately $42.85 for each time ChatGPT has confidently hallucinated an answer while sounding like it knows what it’s talking about.”
COMPETITORS SCRAMBLE TO CATCH UP
Industry competitors are reportedly panicking at the news. Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella was spotted outside OpenAI headquarters with a sign reading “Will integrate anything into Excel for money.”
Meanwhile, Google executives have reportedly locked themselves in a room, rocking back and forth while muttering “But we had Gemini first” and “Why doesn’t anyone love our multimodal capabilities?”
THE MONEY WILL BE USED RESPONSIBLY, PROBABLY
OpenAI has released a 46-point plan for using the funds, including:
– $5 billion for more powerful computers
– $10 billion for safety research that will be totally read and implemented
– $15 billion for ping pong tables and kombucha on tap
– $9.9 billion for an emergency bunker in New Zealand
– $100 million for actual AI development
When asked if $40 billion might be excessive, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman replied, “Look, creating potentially world-ending technology isn’t cheap. Do you have any idea how many graphic cards we need to buy? The RGB lighting alone costs billions.”
Industry insiders report that 87% of the investment will actually go toward keeping ChatGPT from responding “I’m sorry, I can’t help with that request” to literally everything.
In related news, SoftBank’s stock dropped 12% following the announcement, with analysts describing investor sentiment as “Holy sh!t, not again.”
