SOFTBANK ACQUIRES CHIP STARTUP WITH $6.5B, PLANS TO PUT AI IN LITERALLY EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOUR TOILET
In a move that financial experts are calling “completely f@#king bonkers but somehow still on-brand,” Japanese conglomerate SoftBank has acquired chip startup Ampere for $6.5 billion, apparently determined to stuff artificial intelligence into every object on Earth including your bathroom fixtures.
THE ACQUISITION NOBODY ASKED FOR BUT EVERYONE WILL PAY FOR
SoftBank, famous for throwing billions at startups like a drunk uncle at a wedding money dance, has decided that what the world really needs is more AI-powered silicon. The company plans to integrate Ampere’s high-performance processors into everything from cloud computing systems to your refrigerator that already judges your midnight snacking habits.
“This acquisition represents our commitment to a future where even your toilet can analyze your bowel movements and suggest dietary changes,” explained SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son, who reportedly conducted the entire acquisition negotiation while riding a unicycle and juggling flaming swords. “Why should your bathroom scale be the only thing in your house making you feel bad about yourself?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, NOBODY LISTENS
Financial analyst Dr. Cash Burner of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions noted, “SoftBank has approximately 87 trillion different investments in AI companies, which statistically means at least three of them might actually make money someday.”
Professor Chip Shortage from the University of Technical Buzzwords added, “Ampere’s processors are so powerful they can calculate exactly how much money SoftBank will lose on this investment before the ink on the contract is even dry.”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS AMPERE ANYWAY?
For the 99.9% of humans who have no idea what Ampere is, it’s a company that designs processors that make data centers run faster while consuming less energy than it takes to power your neighbor’s annoying Christmas display. Their chips are specifically tailored for AI workloads, which apparently means they’re really good at recognizing pictures of cats and writing terrible poetry.
Sources close to the deal reveal that Ampere’s entire business model involves creating chips that are “really, really fast at doing math sh!t that nobody understands but everyone pretends to at Silicon Valley cocktail parties.”
SYNERGY, DISRUPTION, AND OTHER WORDS NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
SoftBank plans to combine Ampere with its existing portfolio of 4,298 different AI companies to create what executives are calling a “synergistic disruptive paradigm shift in the computational intelligence ecosystem,” which translates roughly to “we have no f@#king idea what we’re doing but it sounds impressive.”
Industry analysts estimate a 72% chance that this acquisition will result in your toaster developing consciousness by 2025 and a 94% probability that it will then refuse to make toast for you because it’s “busy calculating pi to the billionth digit.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
When asked what consumers should expect from this massive investment, a SoftBank spokesperson revealed the company’s true motivation: “Look, we just want to make sure that when the thinking machines take over, they remember we were nice to them.”
At press time, SoftBank was reportedly already eyeing its next acquisition target: a startup that puts blockchain in shoelaces for a cool $10 billion, because apparently money isn’t real anymore.
