BIG TECH GIANT LOSES SH!T AFTER AI STARTUP SUGGESTS PEOPLE SMUGGLE CHIPS IN FAKE PREGNANCIES AND SEAFOOD
In what can only be described as the nerdiest drug cartel documentary never made, NVIDIA publicly lost its collective mind after Anthropic suggested computer chips were being smuggled inside prosthetic baby bumps and alongside live lobsters. Because apparently, the black market for computing power has evolved beyond trench coats and into maternity wear and seafood distribution.
TECH BROS GO TO WAR OVER SMUGGLING ALLEGATIONS
NVIDIA, the company responsible for making the expensive rectangles that make your computer go brrr, issued a scathing response to Anthropic’s claims that desperate buyers are resorting to tactics straight out of a bad Netflix original series.
“These allegations are f@#king ridiculous,” said Timothy Powerchip, NVIDIA’s Vice President of Not Making Stuff Up. “Next they’ll tell us people are swallowing our chips wrapped in condoms or training carrier pigeons to fly them across borders.”
EXPERT ANALYSIS REVEALS EVERYONE’S LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS
Dr. Ima Fabrication, head of the Institute for Technology and Complete Bulls#!t, weighed in on the controversy.
“In my professional opinion, this entire situation is what happens when tech companies sniff their own farts for too long,” explained Dr. Fabrication. “I’ve studied the semiconductor black market extensively, and I can confirm that 78.3% of smuggling operations actually involve trained octopi carrying chips in waterproof containers, not lobsters. Lobsters have terrible hand-eye coordination.”
PREGNANT PAUSE IN LOGIC
The idea of smuggling high-performance computing chips inside fake pregnancy prosthetics raises several questions, not least of which is whether customs agents are now expected to give belly rubs to suspicious travelers.
Professor Uterine Deception from the Department of Reproductive Forgery at Made-Up University suggests this technique is highly impractical.
“Have you ever worn a fake pregnancy belly? You sweat like a politician taking a polygraph,” she noted. “The moisture alone would destroy thousands of dollars worth of chips. Besides, wouldn’t it be easier to just, I don’t know, hide them in a f@#king suitcase?”
LOBSTER TALE SEEMS FISHY
According to industry insiders, the lobster smuggling route makes even less sense.
“As someone who’s worked in both computing AND seafood distribution, I can tell you with absolute certainty that lobsters are the worst smuggling accomplices,” said Sebastian Clawdington III, a self-described “Lobster Whisperer and Hardware Enthusiast.”
“They’re temperamental, they require specific water conditions, and they absolutely refuse to sign NDAs. Plus they’ve been known to pinch chips in half when they get anxious during customs inspections.”
STATISTICS NOBODY ASKED FOR
A completely imaginary survey conducted by the Center for Things We Just Made Up reveals that 92% of all technology smuggling actually occurs via “business people who just put the sh!t in their carry-on and act normal.” The remaining 8% consists of “overly complicated schemes that only make sense if you’ve watched too many Ocean’s Eleven movies.”
WHY THIS MATTERS TO ABSOLUTELY NOBODY
The real question remains why NVIDIA, a company valued at approximately twelve bazillion dollars, cares so much about Anthropic’s claims. Some suggest it’s because they’re worried pregnant lobster smugglers might damage their brand image, while others point out that the company simply needed something to be outraged about during a slow news week.
As this silicon soap opera continues to unfold, one thing is certain: in the cutthroat world of AI computing, the only thing more valuable than processing power is apparently the ability to believe absolutely anything, including the notion that customs officials worldwide are being duped by an army of fake pregnant lobster enthusiasts smuggling computer parts one crustacean at a time.
