SMARTPHONES NOW OFFICIALLY SMARTER THAN THE HUMANS WHO USE THEM, EXPERTS SUGGEST HUMANITY “HAD A GOOD RUN”
Nothing’s New Phone Makes Everything You’ve Done Seem Like Something
In a development that has psychologists concerned about our collective self-worth, tech company “Nothing” unveiled its (3A) smartphone featuring an AI tool that organizes your life better than you ever could, effectively rendering your brain obsolete.
THE MACHINE KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU DO
The new feature, called “Essential Space,” collects all the screenshots of meals you’ll never cook, workout routines you’ll never follow, and inspirational quotes you’ll never live by, then organizes them into neat little folders that will silently judge you when you ignore them for months.
“This is revolutionary sh!t,” exclaimed Chad Overstatement, Nothing’s VP of Technological Superiority. “Finally, a phone that can sort your digital hoarding addiction into aesthetically pleasing categories while simultaneously reminding you that you’ve accomplished nothing with your life.”
USERS ALREADY FEELING EXISTENTIAL DREAD
Beta testers report mixed feelings about the technology. “It’s both amazing and deeply unsettling,” said Melissa Trendchaser, 28. “The phone automatically categorized my 463 food photos as ‘Meals You Photographed Instead of Actually Enjoying.’ How did it know?!”
Dr. Lance Obvioustruth, professor of Digital Psychology at Make-Believe University, warns that the technology might have unforeseen consequences. “What happens when your phone becomes better at being you than you are? We’re seeing early signs of humans entering the ‘F@#k It, My Phone’s Got This’ era of evolution.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ARTIFICIAL EXISTENTIALISM?
The Essential Space tool reportedly uses advanced algorithms to identify not just what the content of your photos and screenshots are, but also the sad, desperate reasons you saved them in the first place.
“It somehow knew to create a folder called ‘Fitness Goals You’ll Abandon By February 3rd’ and another called ‘Evidence of Friends You Barely See Anymore,'” reported tech journalist Tim Scrollington. “I wasn’t ready for that level of emotional violence from my phone.”
Internal documents leaked to AI Antics reveal additional planned categories including “Screenshots of Texts You Were Too Afraid to Respond To,” “Memes You Saved But Never Shared Because You Were Worried They Weren’t Funny Enough,” and the particularly devastating “Photos From When You Were Happier.”
HUMANITY INCREASINGLY UNNECESSARY
Nothing spokesperson Sarah Somethingworth insists the technology is designed to help, not humiliate. “We’re not replacing human intelligence; we’re just making it increasingly irrelevant,” she explained while her phone automatically responded to emails she hadn’t even read yet.
Industry analyst Harold Technobabble of Made-Up Metrics Inc. estimates that by 2026, smartphones will be approximately 87.3% more effective at being you than you currently are, leading to a projected 95% increase in existential crises among millennials and Gen Z.
The Nothing (3A) phone will retail for $499, or approximately 166 oat milk lattes that you’ll inevitably photograph for Instagram before drinking. Pre-orders come with a free digital therapist to help you process the realization that your phone now understands your hopes and dreams better than your own mother ever did.
