UNEMPLOYED HUMANS NOW TRAINING AI ASSISTANTS TO STEAL JOBS THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE ANYWAY
In what experts are calling “the most f@#ked up circular economy ever invented,” desperate job seekers across the nation are now using AI to help them get jobs that AI will eventually eliminate.
LOCAL MAN TEACHES ROBOT HOW TO BE MORE HUMAN SO HE CAN PRETEND TO BE HUMAN BETTER
Jeremy Wilson, 37, spent six hours instructing ChatGPT how to make his cover letter “sound less robotic” before using the same technology to prepare for an interview at a company that’s actively replacing 40% of its workforce with automation.
“I’m basically training my replacement to help me get hired so I can train my replacement,” Wilson told reporters while staring blankly into the middle distance. “But with better buzzwords.”
CAREER ADVISORS RECOMMEND “SILICON-ASSISTED BULLSH!TTING” AS ESSENTIAL WORKPLACE SKILL
A recent survey found that 94% of hiring managers can’t tell the difference between AI-generated and human-written cover letters, primarily because they don’t actually read either one.
“The key is to use the thinking rectangle to sound simultaneously enthusiastic and desperate, but not TOO desperate,” explains career strategist Penny Worthington-Smythe. “Employers want candidates who are willing to sacrifice their mental health and personal relationships for the company, but who express this desire with perfect grammar.”
NEGOTIATIONS NOW JUST TWO DIFFERENT CHATBOTS ARGUING OVER SALARY
HR departments report an alarming increase in salary negotiations conducted entirely by proxy through competing algorithms.
“Last Tuesday I watched two candidates’ digital assistants fight over a compensation package for 47 minutes while both actual humans went to lunch,” said Brenda Hoffman, HR director at TechFutureNow Inc. “The AIs eventually settled on a number, then the humans came back, pretended they did all the work, and signed the paperwork.”
According to Dr. Ivor Loophole, professor of Technological Unemployment at Makebelieve University, approximately 78.3% of job seekers are now sending digital versions of themselves to interviews while they stay home watching Netflix.
“We’ve reached peak absurdity when people are using AI to get jobs that AI will eventually eliminate,” said Loophole. “It’s like hiring an assassin to help you find a bodyguard.”
CANDIDATES NOW PRACTICING INTERVIEWS WITH DIGITAL DOPPELGANGERS OF POTENTIAL BOSSES
The latest trend involves creating AI simulations of hiring managers based on their LinkedIn profiles and any available YouTube videos.
Marketing professional Samantha Chen created 16 different versions of her potential boss to practice with. “The real interview was easy after I’d already been rejected by the AI version of him 347 times,” she explained. “I knew exactly which jokes would make him uncomfortable and precisely how many seconds of eye contact was too many.”
EXPERTS WARN OF “UNCANNY VALLEY OF EMPLOYMENT” WHERE NOBODY KNOWS WHO’S REAL ANYMORE
Workplace psychologists have identified a new phenomenon whereby employees can no longer distinguish which colleagues are human and which are sophisticated AI projections.
“I’ve been working with my team remotely for six months, and I’m pretty sure Dave from accounting is just a really well-programmed algorithm,” said team leader Marcus Jones. “He responds to emails at 3am, never takes sick days, and his Zoom background is always suspiciously perfect.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, by 2026, approximately 62% of all job interviews will feature zero actual humans, with AI assistants interviewing AI candidates for jobs that will ultimately be performed by AI systems.
“It’s the perfect system,” notes economist Dr. Cash Money. “Humans get to feel like they’re participating in the economy without the inconvenience of actually having to work or receive money.”
At press time, this entire article was written by an unemployed journalist who used AI to help secure a job writing articles about how AI is taking journalists’ jobs.
