TECH GIANTS COMPETING TO BURN MOST MONEY, ELECTRICITY, AND HUMAN POTENTIAL IN “ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY” RACE
In what experts are calling “the dumbest d@mn way to waste a trillion dollars since the last three wars,” tech behemoths Google, Amazon, and Meta have entered a high-stakes competition to see who can incinerate the most cash in pursuit of teaching computers to write mediocre poetry and generate images of cats wearing cowboy hats.
THE GREAT SILICON VALLEY MONEY BONFIRE
Tech executives are reportedly giddy about spending unfathomable sums on AI infrastructure while simultaneously laying off thousands of human workers. Google’s parent company Alphabet has allocated $387 billion to what internal documents describe as “making search results even less helpful but with more confidence.”
“We’re absolutely thrilled to be hemorrhaging money at unprecedented rates,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, who requested this interview be conducted inside a solid gold conference room cooled to 62 degrees using electricity generated by burning endangered tree species. “Our shareholders keep asking if this will ever be profitable, and I just laugh while backing away slowly.”
ENVIRONMENTAL EXPERTS PREDICT NEW APOCALYPSE TIMELINE
Scientists now estimate that AI data centers will consume more electricity than most small countries by next Tuesday. Dr. Claire Lastchance of the Institute for Obvious Climate Warnings says power demands could accelerate global warming by “approximately holy sh!t degrees Celsius.”
“These companies are essentially converting the entire Pacific Northwest’s hydroelectric capacity into slightly better targeted ads,” explained Professor Wade Inthedeep. “At current growth rates, we’ll need to build a Hoover Dam every weekend just to keep the servers from melting.”
Meta’s AI initiatives alone are projected to require more water for cooling than the annual rainfall of Portugal, prompting the company to investigate “cloud-seeding technology, literal rain dances, or possibly just buying all the world’s oceans.”
CREATIVES RESPOND WITH MIXTURE OF TERROR AND RESIGNATION
The artistic community has responded to AI’s rapid advancement with what psychologists term “the five stages of technological displacement grief,” currently manifesting as “screaming into the void while updating LinkedIn profiles.”
“I spent 15 years mastering digital illustration only to watch my commissions dry up because some jackass can now generate ‘buff raccoon in business suit smoking cigar’ in 4 seconds,” said graphic designer Terry Willbeokay. “But hey, at least the AI still can’t get hands right. Yet.”
A recent survey found that 87% of creative professionals now keep a “doomsday bunker resume” listing non-artistic skills they can fall back on, including “grocery bagging,” “saying ‘welcome to Walmart,'” and “being the human they make stand next to the self-checkout to fix it when it inevitably f@#ks up.”
GRID OPERATORS: “WE’RE COMPLETELY F@#KED”
Power utility executives, speaking on condition of anonymity because they’re “too busy panic-ordering generators,” estimate the national power grid has “maybe 18 months before we’re all huddled around trash can fires trading canned goods.”
“Listen, we’ve been saying the grid needs upgrades since the Clinton administration,” said one energy executive who asked to be identified only as “Oh God Oh God We’re All Gonna Die.” “Now we’ve got Meta building data centers that consume more juice than Las Vegas, New York, and Tokyo combined just so Facebook can auto-generate birthday messages with the correct number of emoji cake slices.”
In response to concerns, Google announced plans to power its AI operations using “the heat generated by all the anxiety-ridden professionals wondering if they’ll have jobs next year.”
EXPERTS PREDICT FUTURE APPLICATIONS
Dr. Penny Wise, head of the Institute for Questioning Technological Progress, suggests the trillion-dollar investment might eventually yield practical applications.
“Soon, these systems will be advanced enough to automatically generate corporate explanations for why your insurance claim was denied,” Dr. Wise explained. “They’ll also excel at crafting perfectly meaningless corporate statements about ‘standing with’ whatever group is currently suffering while continuing policies that actively harm them.”
Silicon Valley insiders report the ultimate goal is creating AI sophisticated enough to explain to shareholders why spending a trillion dollars to automate tasks humans already do well was a sound business decision.
At press time, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly feeding pictures of human emotions into his company’s AI system in a desperate attempt to understand what they are.
